


Guided by Destiny

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Series: Destiny Series by JC [1]
Category: The Sentinel
Genre: First Times, M/M, Romance, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-12-16
Updated: 1998-12-16
Packaged: 2017-12-11 04:48:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 32,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/794123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two grown men try to come to terms with their feelings for each other, and find a little trouble along the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first piece of SenSlash fiction. It is Part 1 in the Destiny Series. All comments are welcome, please feel free to e-mail me.

 

Due to the size of this story, it has been split into three parts.

## Guided by Destiny

by JC

Author's webpage: <http://www.skeeter63.org/jayci/>

Author's disclaimer: The characters from the TV series "The Sentinel" are not my property,  
and I am not making money off of them. Also, any lyrics used are the  
property of their authors, no money made there either. End of story.

* * *

Guided by Destiny by J.C. -- part one 

Partners... that's what they were. More than friends... and with a connection that made them closer even than family. Partners... there's nothing wrong with that... and because of their unique situation, it was a good relationship, and a significant one. But it wasn't enough... may the powers that be help him, it just wasn't enough. 

Blair let out a heavy sigh as he tossed another rock over the embankment behind the cabin. The wind was getting stronger and it fluttered through his shoulder length hair, the curls softly brushing against his face. Maybe a storm was coming. His _partner_ would know. Thoughts of Jim caused him to toss another rock over the side. 

He dropped down onto a large boulder and ran his fingers through his hair in desperation. For three days he'd been there, and he still didn't have an answer to his dilemma. He didn't know what to do, didn't have a clue, but he knew that he felt miserable, sad and incomplete. Like a coward shirking his responsibilities. 'Well, you are, you know,' he thought to himself. 'Running from Jim, abandoning him really.' But what else could he have done? Things had been really bad lately... 

Ever since he had come to stay with Jim, taking on his role as Guide to help Jim with his Sentinel abilities, he had sensed the special connection between them. Throughout all of the adjustments of getting to know each other, getting used to each other, they both had felt it. It was the force that evened them out when they got on each other's nerves or bumped heads over issues, or when Blair's exuberance conflicted with Jim's stability. There was always that underlying current that brought them back to a level playing field. It afforded them a sense of familiarity and ease even through the newness of their relationship. 

Now, nearly three years later, Blair thought that connection would be his undoing. The little things that used to bring him comfort and happiness now made him want to jump out of his skin. The fleeting touches and pats on the back or shoulder that used to give him reassurance now only irritated him. The easy smiles and joking ways brought him grief now, not joy. His body was betraying him, and in trying to fight back, he just ended up fighting with Jim. He knew why. He couldn't trust himself in close proximity to Jim anymore. 

Because Jim had an advantage. 

What good is putting a pillow over your lap, or turning away or even leaving the room, when you share living space with a man that can actually feel your body temperature rise, or smell the arousal as it steams from your pores, or hear the racing of your heart and the blood rushing to your groin? 

Frustration and desperation bred anger, and thank the gods that his heated behavior could be explained away as long as he was yelling. He yelled just to maintain some distance between the two of them. He felt overwhelmed and surrounded. No matter where he went he couldn't shake his link to Jim; not in the loft, not at the station, not even in his little office at the university. 

He had to get away. 

So three days ago when Jim had called him at his office to say he didn't feel like cooking and how about they go out to grab a bite, Blair had said he wouldn't be home for dinner anyway, in fact he wouldn't be home for a week. Basically, he had lied and said that there was a last minute opportunity to go a lecture series at Berkeley that he couldn't pass up, hanging up quickly so that Jim wouldn't have a chance to question him further. He had then made quick arrangements to have his summer class covered, borrow the cabin, throw the few articles of spare clothes he kept at the university into his car and took off. Three days of thinking, drinking, and tossing rocks and still no closer to an answer. A few more days and he would have to go back; back to the loft, back to Jim, back to being a guide. His role as Guide was the overriding factor through all of this, the only thing that kept him from just getting in his car and driving forever. No matter what else, he owed Jim that much. Being a Sentinel's Guide was important. More important than raging hormones and unrequited feelings. He had to get a grip on himself, because he had a job to do. But how? 

"I don't know what to do, but I've got to do something," Blair said out loud. He stood and raised his face to the wind and yelled, "I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!" 

"Well, maybe it would help if you talked about it," said a deep voice from behind him. 

Startled, Blair whirled around, losing his footing on the loose rocks and nearly falling down the embankment. Jim was by his side in a second, catching him and drawing him away from the edge. 

"What...what are you doing here?" Blair stammered. 

"I could ask you the same thing," Jim responded. 

"How did you find me, why are you _here_?" 

"Well, it wasn't hard. You lied to _me_ , but lots of people at the university knew where you were. Ken gave me directions to his place when I explained that I had wrapped up a case and could meet you after all." Jim said it all with a slight smile on his face, but Blair recognized the fact that he was pissed. "As for why, I had a feeling that you needed me. Seems I was right." Blair's stomach flip-flopped at Jim's words. "So, your turn." Jim's voice hardened. "Why did you lie, and what the _hell_ is going on!?" 

Blair swallowed audibly, his mind frantically trying to calm himself and come up with good answers to Jim's questions. "Sorry. I just needed to get away. You know, meditate and be one with nature and all that." His voice was barely a whisper in the wind, but of course Jim heard him loud and clear. "So if you were worried, I'm sorry, but I'm fine. I just need a little time _alone_." He turned his back on Jim and looked out over the mountains. Ignoring Blair's remarks, Jim stepped up behind him, so close that Blair could feel him even though they weren't touching. He shuddered and started pacing just to gain a little distance. "What, Jim, WHAT!" he yelled as he turned back to his partner. Jim rocked as if hit. There was so much turmoil inside Blair, that even his Sentinel senses couldn't sort through the various stimuli. 

Jim kept his voice calm, mimicking the tone Blair used so many times on him in the past. "You don't have to lie to me, Chief. All you have to do is talk to me. I can understand if you just need a little time to yourself. I'm sorry that working with me can be so demanding, but you have become such an important part of what I do. But you have been so out of sorts lately, I think it's more than just needing a little down time. So tell me, what can't you live with anymore?" 

'You,' Blair thought miserably, knowing that it may be even worse to try to live without him. Aloud he said, "I was just letting off some steam. No big deal." 

Jim quickly crossed over to Blair, grabbing him by the arm in a tight grip to prevent his escape. "Chief, talk to me," he said through clenched teeth, "We're supposed to be friends, hell, we're more than friends, talk...to...me!" 

It took all of Blair's will not to concentrate on the heated flesh that had contact with Jim or the strong, familiar face inches from his own. He looked down, quickly decided that _that_ was a bad idea, and resigned himself to closing his eyes. Breathing deeply, he said "It's just a problem of the heart, big guy, nothing you can help me with." He kept his tone light, hoping to forestall anymore questions. "Now, you know my awful secret, and you can head on back to civilization." 

Jim dropped Blair's arm, confusion etching his face. "The heart...? Oh, you mean your lovelife, that's what this is all about?" He laughed a deep laugh, and squeezed his friend in a bearlike hug. The rumbling of laughter sent shivers all through Blair's body, and he jumped back, not sure what to make of Jim's reaction. Seeing the stunned expression on Blair's face caused Jim to erupt into a fresh bout of laughter. When he calmed down, he said. "I'm sorry to laugh, but I'm just so relieved! You have no idea what was going through my mind." 

"What!?" 

Jim shrugged, a sobering look crossing his face. "Well, you'd been so upset lately, sad, angry and...afraid." He met Blair's eyes and Blair realized that Jim had used his heightened awareness to pick up the scent of fear from him. That thought unnerved Blair very much. "You hadn't been seeing anyone the past month or so and you're usually so...free. Well, I guess it occurred to me that you may be...sick." 

Comprehension dawned in Blair's mind. His voice took on an edge as he said, "You think just because I like both men and women, that I'm careless and irresponsible when it comes to sex? Is that what you think? No, Jim, I am not _sick_." 

"I didn't say irresponsible, Sandburg. But you live so for the moment and anyone can slip up when they get caught up in the passion like that. I had always assumed that you were being careful, but you had been so crazed lately, I jumped to the wrong conclusion. Sorry about that, but you don't know how relieved I am, I was so scared for you. Now, I'm just surprised. I mean, you usually aren't with any one long enough for there to be any problems. What happened?" 

Blair _so_ didn't want to have this conversation, especially with this man, but he figured he had opened the door, he may as well step through. 'At least halfway,' he thought, 'maybe it will be enough to satisfy him. If I can just stay calm.' He shifted his weight from foot to foot, willing his body to stand and face Jim as he spoke. "Yeah well, surprised the hell out of me too. But the bottom line is I have strong feelings for someone who doesn't have feelings for me back." He let out a breath, releasing some of the tension in his body. 

"Man or woman?" The words came out of Jim's mouth before he even realized that he had the thought. "Oh hey, Chief, I'm sorry. It's none of my business and it doesn't matter." 

Blair wasn't sure that was entirely true, but he plunged ahead. "I'm not ashamed Jim. It's just a guy I know." He threw out another tidbit of information. "Someone from work. We've never dated or anything, just hung out and stuff." 

"Must be a hell of a guy to send you running to the hills. Anybody I've seen around?" 

'Yeah, every time you look in a mirror,' Blair thought. But he just fixed Jim with a 'don't even try it' look. 

"Hey, sorry, just curious. Then tell me what makes you think he's not interested?" 

"I didn't just meet the guy. I've been around him enough to pick up the vibe. Plus, he likes blondes. I _really_ don't want to talk about this any more." He turned back to the view. 

"Well, how about an observation and a piece of advice?" 

Blair shrugged, which Jim took as a sign to go ahead. 

"Maybe the guy is interested, or could be interested, but just knows you too well." 

Blair turned back with a frown furrowing his brow. 

"I mean, if he's known you for a while, maybe he's seen you in action. Don't get me wrong, Chief, you are a great guy, but every one isn't like you, you know." He raised a hand to stop the angry flow of words he could tell Blair was ready to let loose. "Just listen, you are so young, and uninhibited, and...restless. I don't think you have been with any one longer than a few months since I've known you. Some people are more reserved and focused." 

He picked up Blair's mumbling comment: "You mean uptight and anal." 

"Sandburg, I'm just saying maybe he doesn't want to open a door he knows would just slam shut on him a few months later. That's not unreasonable, you know. I've always seemed to gravitate towards committed relationships; my structured upbringing I guess. I don't think I've ever been as free as you are, not even when I was young, and sometimes I envy you that." He laughed a little, "Hey, but even a hardened old cop like me would have to think twice about jumping on _your_ rollercoaster ride." 

Blair did not smile; his whole world seemed to be falling over the cliff behind him. Jim went on, unaware of how his words were echoing inside Blair's head. 

"So, you need to either enjoy the friendship you already have with this guy, or maybe grow up enough to be able to offer him something more to stick around for." Jim shrugged, smiling slightly. "Or you could always bleach your hair, and see what happens." 

Blair just stood there. He was sure he could actually hear his world crumbling, shattering into a million pieces on the rocks below. It took everything he had just to get enough breath in his lungs to utter a coherent statement. 

"I think you should leave now, Jim. You've checked up on me, and I'm fine. I may be immature, but I'm not going to jump or anything over some stupid guy. Go home." 

"Fine, Chief, but you can't hide away forever. I expect you home in 3 days. We're still partners, you know. Personally, I vote against bleaching your hair, but a man's got to do what a man's got to do." He laughed and started walking away. Blair heard his voice coming back at him. "Three days, I mean it, Sandburg. And don't ever lie to me again!" 

Jim made his way to his truck, still chuckling, but he had a growing feeling that he was missing something concerning Blair's situation, something important. He just couldn't put his finger on it. 

Blair sank to the ground. A litany of thoughts raced through his head. He clamped his lips shut to keep from voicing any of them out loud. There was a Sentinel in the area, you know. 'Not only is he not interested, he thinks I am an immature, irresponsible, shallow idiot not even worth getting involved with. This is worse than I thought, so much worse.' 

* * *

On the way back to Cascade, Jim couldn't shake whatever was nagging at him. Something important was lurking just below the surface and he wasn't grasping it. As the miles rolled on, the feeling grew stronger. He reached over and popped an old tape in to give him something else to focus on. It wouldn't do to zone-out while driving down the highway. A smooth saxophone riff filled the truck and then an equally smooth voice joined in: 

//There's no greater crime  
Then wasting your life in a boat going nowhere.  
When you came along, you made it safe for love to survive  
I trusted and dreamed and you came like I knew you would  
I've been around before, but this feels so good.// 

The words floated in and out of Jim's consciousness as he tried to divide his mind between the music, his driving and Blair. He was definitely missing something, but what? A message was trying to form, but it wasn't solidifying. 

//I could not walk by, I knew that I'd found  
What's at the end of the rainbow  
There's no place on earth I'd rather be  
Than staying right here with you  
It's not about luck, I don't need to knock on wood, no, no  
I've been 'round before and this feels so good.// 

Jim mentally shook himself to clear his mind. 'Best to concentrate more on the road, Ellison. The rest will come in time.' He fast-forwarded to something instrumental and focused on getting back home. 

* * *

Sweat was pouring from Blair's body. He lifted his water bottle and poured some over his head. He had tied his hair back and taken his shirt off 3 miles ago. As he sat in the dirt after Jim's departure, he had come up with a plan of action. 'More like a plan of "inaction",' he thought wryly. But it was something and he was determined to see it through. Tomorrow, he would be heading back. There was no point in hiding out any longer. It seemed there was no escaping a Sentinel. But first he was pushing himself to exhaustion, hiking till he felt he had reached his limit. He had three things to do tonight when he got back to the cabin: jerk off to relieve some of his sexual tension, have a good, hard cry to relieve some of his emotional tension, and then, hopefully, have a long, dreamless sleep to relieve some of his mental tension. Taking a few swallows of water, he pressed on, knowing that he still had quite a few miles left in him. 

Much later, Blair had showered, the heat of the spray welcome on his aching muscles, thoughts of Jim stirring him to hardness. He dropped onto the bed, the air chilling him as it hit the beads of water covering his body. Laying his damp towel next to him, he picked up his Walkman, adjusting the headphones. Rolling over, he grabbed the bottle of scented oil from the nightstand, pouring some into his hand, warming it before rubbing it into his chest. He thought of Jim's hands, large and rough, but still so much more sensitive than most other peoples', as he slicked down his chest hair, making a trail down to his navel. His dick jumped, leaking onto his stomach. Moving his hands back up to his chest, he fingered circles around his nipples, flicking his nipple ring a few times before rolling both of his hardened nubs between his fingers. His breathing got heavier and he poured more oil into his palm. The soft music playing penetrated his sexual haze, stroking him as he reached for his erection. 

//The time is right, you hold me tight...and love's got me high.  
Please tell me yes...don't say no...not tonight.  
Move a little close to me... you owe it to yourself  
And I will selfishly take a little for myself  
And it's because of you that love won't let me wait.// 

He began a slow rhythm in time to the music. His oily fist pumping, as his hips moved in the classic pantomime of lovemaking. 

//We'll take a flight and spend the night in wonderland.// 

He let out a series of soft groans, desire coursing through him. His actions a desperate attempt to fill himself with the elusive spirit of a panther, to forget for a little while the emptiness that would be waiting for him. 

//I need to have you next to me in more ways than one...// 

He was so hard now and so close, he moaned loudly and lifted his knees in the air. He let go of his cock and rubbed one slippery fingertip along his puckered opening. When he pushed inside, more moans were ripped from him. His mind was filled with Jim and the music seemed to bring his images to life: 

//I need your love so desperately, and only you can set me free -  
When I make love to you, we'll explode in ecstasy...// 

Another finger joined the first inside his slick, hot passage and he captured his throbbing dick once again, stroking himself into a fevered state. 

//I won't take the blame...love won't let me wait.// 

He reached for his nipple ring, three fingers now pumping inside him. He tugged and twisted on the ring and felt himself going over the edge. 

//My temperature's rising... love won't let me wait.  
I can't wait, can't wait, no way, no way  
Can't wait any longer  
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming - hold on -  
Can't wait any longer...// 

And as the voice crooned in his ear, he did just that. Spraying his chest and stomach in thick, hot spurts, his muscles clenching around the fingers of one hand; one finger of the other still hooked on the ring through his nipple. At the moment of climax, he screamed out Jim's name and then burst into tears. Grabbing the towel, but not bothering to wipe up, he clutched it to his chest as sobs wracked his body. He didn't try to hold it in but let his body continue to seek the release it needed. Crying until no more tears would fall, and his throat was too dry to even whisper the name "Jim". Minutes after that storm had passed, he had fallen into a deep, and thankfully, dreamless sleep. 

* * *

For Jim it was a whole other matter. Awaking with a start from fitful, dream-filled sleep around three o'clock in the morning, he fell back onto his pillow, using one of Blair's techniques to calm his breathing. He had his answer. As he slept, his mind had cleared enough to reveal it to him. The dream was still vivid in his mind: 

He had been looking for Blair. Working his way through a maze and calling out to him, getting angry when he wouldn't answer. His rage was on the verge of overpowering him when he felt something heavy brush against his leg. He looked and saw a panther racing past him. Realizing that he had let go of his senses, he concentrated on bringing them back. 

One by one he fine-tuned his senses and was suddenly surrounded by his guide. He could smell him: his sweat, his shampoo; Blair's voice filled his head: 'That's it, Jim, just feel me. You can find me. Listen for my heartbeat. You should know it by heart now. You _do_ know it by heart. Just listen to your heart, Jim.' So he did, and the maze seemed to just straighten into a narrow path, with his guide at the end. 

He was still far away, but Jim's sight picked him up clearly. Sitting beneath a tree, petting the panther, its heavy head on Blair's thigh. Jim took off running. 

When he reached Blair, he just stopped and stared. There was a sort of glow around him, a force that seemed almost solid. Blair looked up at him with a sad smile, their blue eyes locking. 'What's going on, Chief? What is this all about?' It barely registered with Jim that he had asked that question only in his mind. And he wasn't surprised when he heard Blair's voice answer also in his mind, 'This, Jim. It's all about this.' The next thing he knew _he_ was lying by Blair's side, _his_ head on Blair's thigh, Blair's hand rubbing through his short hair. 

Then Blair was kissing him... 

It all made sense to Jim now. All the pieces from the past weeks fell into place. He was still stunned by the revelation, and surprised he had missed all the clues, and he had no idea what they should do now, but he didn't want to be the cause of any more hurt in Blair's life. Somehow they would work through this. Now that one secret was revealed, maybe it was time Jim revealed a few of his own. But first he had to get Blair to talk. 'Yeah, me and the kid have a lot to talk about. This shouldn't wait three days, I guess I'm heading back up the mountain.' He had too much on his mind to sleep, so he lay there waiting for the sun to come up. As dawn broke, the last verse of the song he had been listening to on the way home came to him: 

//There's no greater sin than missing your chance  
When it's staring right at you  
That look in your eyes says everything and tells me I'm home.  
For once in my life, you know, I don't feel misunderstood  
Well, I've been 'round before but this time it feels so sure  
Been 'round before, but this feels so good// 

* * *

Blair woke up at the crack of dawn, no happier, but well rested and clear headed. He cleaned himself up, straightened the cabin, and headed back home, hoping that when he got there, he wouldn't find that his determination and resolve were still back on the mountain. 

* * *

Jim was pulling on his jeans, planning his day in his head (to the precinct to clear up some paperwork, and then up to the cabin to confront Blair), when he heard a key in the lock. He got to the top of the stairs just as Blair entered the apartment. Shirtless, barefoot, and his pants still unzipped, Jim didn't realize the picture he was presenting. 

Blair looked up, frantically trying to hold on to his will. 'Good grief, I just can't get a break, can I?' he thought. But he called up a quick "hi" and turned towards his room. 

"How is everything, Chief?" 

"Fine." 

"You're back early." 

"Yeah, well seems like I have work to do." 

"I didn't mean for you to cut short your time away, Chief," Jim said quietly. 

"I know, I have _other_ responsibilities, too, you know." 

Both men stood still thinking the same thing, that this was not getting off to the best start. Jim came slowly down the stairs, zipping up along the way, and Blair turned to him. The same words tumbled from their mouths at the same time: "We need to talk." Jim let out a small sigh of relief. "You go first." 

Blair took a deep breath. "I want to apologize, Jim. For the way I've been acting, for taking off... for not being totally honest. But there was a lot on my mind...well, you know. It won't happen again. I've got my priorities straight now." 

Jim listened, patiently waiting for Blair to tell the whole story, holding his breath as Blair continued speaking. 

"I want you to know that I appreciate your concern, the way you came to see about me and everything. I know that I haven't been there for _you_ so totally, but I'm back on track. You don't have to worry. The new, improved Blair Sandburg is here. So, thanks again." 

Jim began to get an uneasy feeling. Where was the confession? "No problem, Chief. I didn't mean to invade your space that way, just worried, you know." Blair nodded and picked up his bag. "But what about...the rest?" 

"Well a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, right?" He smiled at Jim's expression. "Hold up, big guy, I'm not going blond. But I took your other advice. You were right. I'm not a kid anymore. Time to stop acting like one." 

"Chief..." 

"Jim, please let's not talk about it anymore. I'm fine. I know what I need to do. Seriously, it's OK." He turned towards his room. "I've got a lot of work to do, so I'm going to the university to give Ken back his keys and catch up on it. Do you need me at the station?" 

"Uh, no. I'm just clearing up the paperwork on the last two cases we closed." 

"As long as you don't need me." He went into his room and closed the door. 

Jim didn't know what had just happened. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, Blair's temperature and heart rate showed no signs of stress or tension, but something had to be wrong, because Blair hadn't said anything about the feelings he had been keeping secret. It hadn't turned out to be the heart-to-heart Jim thought they would have. 

Jim was still staring at the closed door when it opened, causing Blair to give him a puzzled look as he brushed past, that brief contact making Jim's body temperature rise. Startled, he turned and watched Blair make his way to the front door. 

Blair stopped with his hand on the doorknob. He had let his hair out and changed his clothes, and his pack was slung over his shoulder. Barely above a whisper, he spoke. 

"Jim." 

"Yeah, Chief," Jim said distractedly. He was focusing his senses on Blair, trying not to miss anything, and noticing so many things he hadn't really noticed before. Taking it all in as Blair turned back to him. The soft waves of his hair, the shape of his ass in his jeans, his full lips, his smoky eyes... 

"There's one more thing. You've got to stop doing this." 

Jim snapped out of his reverie, flustered at being caught staring. "Doing what?" he choked out. 

"You don't even realize that I'm whispering, do you? I know that this is your place, but I do live here, and I'd like to have a sense of privacy, you know." 

"What are you talking about?" 

"Your senses, Jim," Blair said, raising his voice to a more normal level. "I want you to turn down your senses to normal around me. This is very important; I'm serious here. I want you to give me your word. I'll trust you to keep it. When we are not on the job, my heartbeat is my business, my thinking aloud is my business, my smell, my body temperature; that's all my business. I need to feel that I have some privacy." 

"Sure, Chief, sorry," Jim answered, his voice quiet, his eyes sad. "I just...well, I'll control it, sorry." 

"Thanks. See you at dinner, it's my turn to cook." And with that he was gone. 

* * *

Later that night, Jim climbed the steps to the loft. There was some loud music playing, but Jim could still hear the sounds Blair made as he cooked and sang along. The smell made his stomach growl, but he wasn't sure he would be able to eat a bite. Things seemed to veering totally out of his control. 

He'd thought he finally had everything figured out, now he wasn't sure he knew anything. Taking a deep breath at the door, Jim turned down his hearing until all he could hear coming from inside was the thumping of the bass. He turned down his smell until he could detect just the faint aroma of food, and then he turned everything else down a notch. He had given his word, although he wasn't sure why Blair had been so insistent about it, after all, he used his abilities to look out for the kid, not spy on him. Taking another breath, he went inside. 

He came to a standstill as soon as he closed the door behind him. The kitchen was a mess, pots everywhere, the counter cluttered with utensils and recipe cards, and the living room looked like it had suffered a similar fate: books and papers on the couch, table and floor; backpack, jacket and shoes making a haphazard trail around the room. And Blair, well, Blair was dancing. Hips swaying, hair tossing as he stirred something on the stove and sang the silly lyrics to the dance tune he had playing. Jim walked over to the stereo, so filled with relief at seeing Blair looking so untroubled that he couldn't even get enough anger going over the state of the place. Although, he was still confused, this Blair was better than the Blair that had been around for the last few weeks. He cut the music off, and fixed a stern expression on his face as he turned back to the kitchen, choking back the laughter as Blair became aware of his predicament. 

"Oh, shit, Jim. You scared me out of one of my lives." Jim just stared, cocking one eyebrow, arms crossed. Blair took stock of his surroundings and turned red. His hair was in disarray, feet bare, tank top half out of his jeans. "Oh, hey... I know how it looks, man, but it's not that bad, and I'll clean it up right after dinner. I just had a taste for this dish and it takes a lot of preparation and I couldn't find the recipe and I was trying to finish up some lecture notes and...and..." He paused, trying to catch his breath. Jim hadn't moved or spoken a word. "Seriously, man, I'll clean it up. I'll clean it up _before_ dinner." 

Jim swallowed around the laughter bubbling in his throat, and put a little edge into his voice. "Oh, I know you will." He walked up the steps, finally letting the laughter spill out. "And this dinner better taste damn good, Sandburg!" 

Dinner seemed to go well. Maybe not exactly like old times, but the conversation was pleasant, no flare-ups, only a few wary glances on both sides. And the meal _was_ damn good. Outwardly, all was right with the team of Ellison and Sandburg, but the reality was that neither man felt entirely comfortable. Blair retreated to his room after doing the dishes that Jim insisted on helping with, and Jim gave up on television after only an hour. 

Going about his nightly routine of checking locks and turning off lights, Jim found himself again looking at that closed bedroom door, fighting the temptation to turn up his hearing. He had promised, and he meant to keep that promise. And while Blair seemed to have a handle on his situation, Jim just felt more confused than ever. Maybe his dream had been misleading, maybe he should have just talked to the kid, maybe... maybe he should get just get a good night's sleep. God know, he sure needed it. He took one step closer to Blair's door, saying to himself that he would just knock and say "goodnight", but at the last minute he turned and went upstairs, leaving his Guide to his solitude. 

In his room, Blair waited until there was no more sound from outside his door. He had some music playing low, and he absently turned the pages of a book in case Jim was listening. He didn't mistrust Jim, but he knew that it might take a while for him to really adjust to having his senses tamped down for any period of time. There had been a few moments when he had trouble controlling his responses to a certain look or a chance touch, but either Jim really didn't notice, or he was a hell of an actor. It had been strange to feel the connection between them thinning out, but also oddly comforting. 

Tossing the book aside, he stripped down to his underwear, laying back, thanking all the known deities that he had been able to make it through that evening. 'Now just the rest of my life to go,' he thought. He would just have to take it one day at a time. He could do it. He had to. While drifting off, he listened to the soft music coming from his CD player. 

//All the years of loneliness came crashing down on me,  
Like a storm that's just been building up too long.  
When I look inside to find me, there's no one there to guide me,  
And I'm tired of trying so hard to be strong...  
I need the comfort of a man... I need the comfort of a man.// 

Blair felt his breath catch as his heart seemed to roll inside his chest. His breath came in gasps and his eyes burned as they filled with tears. "Don't let him be listening, please spare me _that_ humiliation." The tears rolled down his face, leaving a trail on his neck. His mind told him to stop, get himself together, turn off the music and be strong. His heart just kept whispering Jim's name. 

//Don't you think it's awfully sad how empty life can be?  
I'd give my soul to someone who needed me for me.  
So afraid to reach out... so used to being without...  
And it's taken so long for me to see...  
I need the comfort of a man... I need the comfort of a man.// 

He was sure Jim wasn't listening in. Jim wouldn't have been able to ignore the tumultuous storm raging inside his partner. Secure in that knowledge, Blair let go. His cries were deep and sharp, painful to his core, and still the music went on... 

//One loving heart to reach out to me...  
Two strong arms to hold on to me...  
Swear with your eyes - I need to see the love shining through...  
And I'm begging you please, baby, please  
I need the comfort of a man... I need the comfort of a man.  
Sweet loving man... Comfort of a loving man...  
I can feel it... I need it...  
I want you to know what I'm talking about:  
The comfort of a man... the comfort of a strong man...  
The comfort of a kind man...  
The comfort of a man... a strong man...  
A kind man... a loving man...  
The comfort of a man.// 

For the second night in a row, Blair cried himself to sleep. And again, it was peaceful and without dreams. 

For the second night in a row, Jim slept a fitful sleep. His mind was filled with the images of his dream of the night before. Even worse was knowing that Blair was so close and he couldn't reach out for the comfort of his heartbeat. That left him feeling lost and disconnected. In his mind, he reached for the dial that would bring his Guide closer. The memory of Blair's words stopped him. Blair needed some solitude, so he would respect that. He tossed and turned the rest of the night. 

* * *

As the weeks went by, Jim and Blair fell into a comfortable routine reminiscent of the old days. The bouts of strained distance gave way to a welcome ease and familiarity. Blair especially felt incredibly unburdened; knowing that Jim wasn't able to pick up on every little thing. He knew that even with his senses turned down, Jim would probably still be more perceptive than most people, especially when it came to his Guide, but Blair felt secure that he had gained a sense of privacy, something that he had never had before in the loft. A sense of separateness he had never needed before, but had needed desperately in the past two months. 

The relaxed atmosphere was a double-edged sword for Jim. He drew consolation from the fact that there did not seem to be any overt tension between them, no more outbursts or retreats; but he felt strained with the effort of affording Blair his _privacy_ , refraining from tuning in to those parts of Blair that he had taken for granted. He had once told himself that he used his abilities to look out for Blair; what he hadn't realized then, but was oh so aware of now, was that he also used those abilities to look out for himself. Blair's heat, heartbeat and scent were a stabilizing force for him. A link, an anchor. Maybe he had been able to pick up on a thing or two that would be considered personal, but that was a byproduct, not the intent. 

On the job, he found himself reveling in those intangible things that made up Blair Sandburg to him. Soaking him in as long as he had a legitimate excuse to do so. He had never been happier to work cases. Out in the world it was okay to be the Blessed Protector. Once back home, he felt dulled and disjointed. Three months after the incident on the mountain, he seriously doubted that his presumption about Blair's feelings for him was true, but he did know that _his_ feelings ran a hell of a lot deeper than he could ever have imagined. 

Damn, he hated the nights. 

* * *

Blair was humming and it was driving Jim crazy. All week long, he had been humming. He had come home earlier, dropped his bag at the door, and went straight to the bathroom to start the shower running, all the while _humming_. Even with his senses at normal levels, Jim could hear that damn humming. 

He knew Blair had a date tonight: dinner and a concert. Blair had told him on Monday that he had plans. School had been in session for a couple of months, and Jim assumed that the kid had met a cute new grad student. He admitted to himself that he was a little jealous, but still he was pleased , glad the kid was back in the swing. If only he would stop that humming! It was really getting to him. A knock on the door pulled his attention away from Blair's preparations, and he rose to answer it. 

"Grayson! What are you doing here? You and Sandburg double dating?" 

"Oh hey, Jim. Well..." Alec Grayson stopped in mid sentence, staring at a point just beyond Jim. 

Jim frowned and turned around, barely controlling a gasp of breath. Blair had entered the room, and he looked, hell, beautiful was the only word that came to mind. Standing there dressed in black slacks, black collarless shirt buttoned at his throat, and a vest decorated with a black-on- ivory African design. His hair was neatly tied back and he smelled like some exotic spice. 

"What is _wrong_? Is my fly open or something?" Blair asked, hastily checking himself. 

Alec spoke up, "No Blair, you look... great." 

"Good, then let's go Alec. We don't want to be late, we have reservations right?" 

"Yeah, 7:30. See you Jim." Alec opened the door and stepped into the hall. 

Blair followed, grabbing his coat, before turning back to Jim. "See you later, big guy." 

"Later, Chief." Jim stood still in the same spot, listening to the sound of the door locking, then he rushed to the window in time to catch sight of the two men exiting the building. Grayson opened the door to his Mustang and reached over to plant a quick kiss on Blair's cheek and whisper something in his ear. Jim didn't know he had reached out until he jumped at the sound of the voice. "...so sexy." It wasn't until they drove away, the image of Blair reaching over to take Grayson's hand when he was seated behind the wheel firmly imprinted in his mind's eye, that Jim could bring himself to move. 

He walked through the apartment, his body moving of its own volition, all of his senses heightened, emotions swirling, until he was standing in the doorway to Blair's room. Breathing him in. As if in a daze, he moved around picking up Blair's discarded clothing, letting the scent surround him. Fiddling with various bottles on the dresser, he singled out the fragrance he had smelled on him earlier, sniffing it until the aroma filled his brain. Slamming it back down when it threatened to overload his sense of smell. 

He ran to the bathroom, repeating the process. Standing in the doorway, breathing in deeply. Reaching over and picking up Blair's towel, which miraculously was not on the floor, but stuffed hurriedly over the towel rack. Slowly, he brought it to his face, his sensitive fingertips drawing in the leftover heat from Blair's body, his nose separating the scents of soap, shampoo, and the muskiness that was Blair's natural perfume. Imagining... With supreme effort he dropped the towel, walking into the living room on shaky legs. He fell onto the couch filled with emotions he couldn't name. 

"What the hell is going on? Blair is out on a _date_ with Alec Grayson? How did _that_ happen?" Jim spoke aloud to the empty room. How had he missed all of this? Grayson had been hanging around since the beginning of the new school year. He had met Blair at a faculty meeting. The Freshman Orientation representatives from the various departments had gotten together to discuss their agenda. Grayson had been chosen from the History Department. He and Blair had hit it off. They went rollerblading together, argued over ancient civilizations during breaks from classes, it all seemed so normal and innocent. Blair had told him about it. 'Me and this guy Grayson are going to hit the trails this weekend... I was almost late for class because me and Grayson got into this crazy discussion...' Grayson had even been to the loft for dinner a couple of times, and had sat in on a poker game when Simon had the flu. Grayson played as badly as Blair played well. He was a nice guy, Jim had liked him. Now, he didn't think he ever wanted to see him again. When had he gone from being Grayson to being _Alec_! Jim sighed and closed his eyes. 

* * *

Blair stared into the green eyes of the man across the table from him. He was filled with a sense of...joy. It was bubbling inside him, threatening to erupt. He took a sip of wine, unable to eat another bite, feeling something that he hadn't felt in a long time. To be wanted. And by this sweet, gorgeous man. He hadn't been looking for it, in fact, he had actually decided against rejoining the social scene. But Alec had sneaked up on him, and it felt wonderful. 

He had been floored when Alec had dropped him off on Saturday. Halfway to the door of the building, blades over his shoulder, he heard Grayson call his name, not paying any attention to the fact that Grayson had called out "Blair!" rather than his usual "Sandburg." When he walked back to the car and stood by the driverside window, the last thing he expected was for Alec to haltingly say that he had these tickets and did Blair maybe want to go with him and maybe they could go out to eat beforehand. As he heard the words, Blair realized at that moment he wanted nothing more. 

Blair had always thought that Grayson was attractive. Tall, blond, green-eyed. Lean and muscular. Funny, smart and passionate about things. What was not to like? But he was a friend, fast becoming a very good friend, and Blair had already gone down _that_ road. But still, he said yes, ignoring the butterflies fluttering in his stomach. As he had turned again to go inside, Alec had reached out to grab his arm, looking up at him searchingly and asked if he was sure, the look in his eyes saying what he was afraid to voice: that they would not be going out as pals. Blair had smiled, and touched his hand, saying he'd love to go out with him, calling him Alec. And as he watched the black Mustang drive away, he started humming. 

And now, he was practically giddy. He took another sip of wine and chuckled. 

"What's so funny? Do I have broccoli between my teeth or something?" 

Blair smiled. "No, it just feels nice, being out like this. No one's asked me out in a long time." 

"Well, I sort of asked around about you. I heard some wild stories." Alec wiggled his eyebrows. "But everyone said it seemed like you had taken yourself out of circulation, initiated a 'hands off' policy concerning yourself. General consensus seemed to be that you were taken. Since I had been hanging out with you for a while and hadn't noticed anybody that could be considered competition, I figured I'd take a chance." 

"I'm not the same person I used to be. Can't be a wild child forever you know. Between the university and my police work, I have my hands full most of the time anyway." 

"Well, I hope you'll continue to make time for me." 

"Why Alec, do you want my hands full of you?" Blair batted his eyelashes, speaking in a coquettish falsetto. 

Alec laughed out loud. He looked around to see if he had drawn any attention, before saying in a low voice, "Actually, I think I'd like that very much." 

Blair smiled a sad smile and replied, "Alec, I meant what I said before. I'm not a wild and crazy guy anymore. I need to take this slowly. I hope you can understand that." 

Alec reached out and rubbed his thumb across the knuckles of the hand that Blair had resting on the table. "As long as you understand what _I_ need. This is not about sex for me, Blair. I have gotten to know the most wonderful man, and I want him in my life. I was your friend first, and even when I realized I was becoming increasingly attracted to you, I didn't rush forward with anything. I wouldn't have wanted to screw up what we already had. The word was that you dated men and women so I took a chance. You can take it as slowly as you like...just take me with you." 

Blair swallowed at the intensity in Alec's eyes. He was at a loss for words so he just said, "Thanks." 

The rest of the evening passed comfortably, if not too quickly. Before they knew it, Alec was pulling up in front of the building. They were in the midst of a light-hearted debate about rites of passage through the ages, and as neither of them wanted the evening to end, they continued their bantering as Alec cut the engine. That discussion led to another and another until it was 2:30 in the morning. Alec yawned at the same time that Blair did, and they both broke out into laughter. 

"Well, I guess that's our cue." 

"Yeah, I had a great time. Thanks for asking me." 

"Thanks for saying yes." 

Blair watched as Alec got out of the car, walked around to the passenger side, and opened the door for him. He stepped out, closing the door and leaning against it. 

"Ah, so chivalry is not dead," Blair joked. 

"You know us historical types," Alec quipped. "Actually, I wanted to be standing next to you when I asked..." His eyes traveled over Blair's face settling on his lips. 

Blair felt the heat rise in his groin and his lips parted. His eyes closed in anticipation, which Alec took as a 'yes' to his unfinished question. As he leaned closer, he carefully kept his hands at his side. He wasn't sure what his friend was struggling with, but he didn't want to spook him. He just wanted to enjoy whatever Blair was willing to share. 

Softly, he touched his lips to Blair's, licking the lower one gently, tracing it with his tongue, desire rushing through him as Blair's breath quickened. Tentatively, he sent his tongue inside searching... and he was not disappointed. When the two tongues touched, the kiss deepened, the point of contact between them still just their mouths. Alec broke away first, finally daring to touch Blair, trailing a finger down the stubbled cheek to the full lips, feeling the moist swollen result of their kissing. He cupped his hand under Blair's chin, and kissed him goodbye, a quick, firm peck. Leaning closer, he whispered, "You're even sexier than I thought." 

Blair didn't remember saying goodbye, didn't remember climbing the stairs to the apartment, didn't remember unlocking the door, didn't remember anything from the last few minutes except the kiss. He had missed things like that. He was glad Alec had taken a chance, he had been hiding out too long, concentrating too much on maintaining his relationship with Jim. Partners...it wasn't how he had wanted it, but it was working. And this new thing with Alec wasn't bad at all. 

He grinned and started humming. 

On the couch, Jim tensed considerably. He didn't think he could get anymore on edge than he had been, but then Blair had started that damned humming. Every muscle in his body was stiff with tension. His teeth were clenched so tight he thought he might grind them to dust, and hard as he tried, he couldn't get his body to relax. He had dozed off on the couch, waking every time he heard a car go down the street. And when Blair finally came home, Jim's body had started its slow tensing, as he sat in the dark, listening to the conversation from below. When the conversation indicated that Blair was about to come up, Jim had started to relax, preparing to rise so that he wouldn't be caught waiting in the living room. But the next moments proved his undoing. 

He couldn't miss the kiss. Not when he could hear the changes in breathing, smell the pheromones floating on the night wind. Suddenly, he was glad that he couldn't move, because then he would have been driven to go to the window and see the scene playing out on the sidewalk, and that would have been more than he could stand. He wanted to retreat to his room, but he couldn't loosen his muscles enough to just _move_. He closed his eyes and concentrated. 'Breathe, Ellison, just breathe. Relax and breathe deeply. Then you can move on to the rest of you, but for now \- breathe.' That was as far as he got before Blair entered, seemingly filling the room, even from the doorway. Jim's breath left him in a rush, his whole body relaxed at once, and he seemed to just melt back into the couch. The scent of his Guide filled him, that exotic spiciness tempered by cool mountain breezes and overlaid with the heat of arousal. 

Blair was home. 

Jim's presence on the couch in the dark startled Blair. The sound of Jim's harsh breathing scared him. 

"Jim! What's wrong?" He rushed to his partner's side, reaching out to touch him. Jim soaked up the physical contact, focusing on the heat and the texture of Blair's fingers. "Jim, can you hear me?!" 

"Yeah, I hear you." Jim took one last deep breath. He moved away from Blair's touch, leaning over to put his head in his hands. "Calm down." 

"Calm down!? You almost gave me a heart attack, man! What's up with you?" 

"You're the one that came into the room yelling and screaming." 

"Hey, excuse me for breathing. Now tell me what's going on." 

Jim stood up, finally gaining some control, and stretched his tight muscles. "Nothing, Chief, I fell asleep on the couch. Had a bad dream, then woke up with a cramp." He moved towards the stairs. 

"That's it? Are you sure...?" 

Jim slowly went up the steps. "Hey, nothing to worry about. Just a bad dream." Gradually, he turned down his senses. Even without his promise, he would have done it. Too much sensory stimuli had invaded his space, and he had tortured himself enough for one night. He just wanted oblivion. 

As Blair got ready for bed, he made a mental note to question Jim later about his bad dream. Then he cleared his mind of all thoughts but Alec. As he drifted off to sleep, playing back his evening, he was still softly humming. 

Blair was dreaming: 

He was lying by a lake, eyes closed, letting himself be a part of his natural surroundings. All at once he felt a hand over his eyes, and the weight of a body on top of him. A voice whispered huskily in his ear, "Guess who?". Recognizing the voice, Blair relaxed. He smiled, "Sounds like the sexy man in my life." 

"Good answer. And for answering correctly, we have a prize for you. Blair, what do we have for our winner?" 

"A kiss?" Blair answered hopefully. 

"Correct again." 

Blair felt lips touch his, gently at first, then more demanding. Lips parted, tongues wrestled and groins were ground together, as the kiss took on a life of its own. He realized that the hand was no longer over his eyes, but entangled in his hair. His eyes were tightly shut as he concentrated on the man that was claiming him. When the kiss was broken, Blair felt his nerves explode as a tongue found its way to his ear. Sucking and nibbling, teasing. 

Again the voice whispered in his ear. "You are so sexy." 

The breathy words went straight to his cock, causing it to throb almost painfully inside his pants. He groaned, trying not to go over the edge as the tongue found the most vulnerable spot on his neck, his dick rubbing against one seemingly even harder than his own. 

He joined the action, running his hands over the tight muscles of his lover's ass, running fingers up and down his spine, kneading his shoulders and trailing teasing touches along his neck. He couldn't hold back. Damn, he was going to come in his pants! He didn't want it to end like that; he wanted more. He pulled away slightly so that he could look into his lover's eyes, fully intending to tell him what he desired, but when their eyes met he was lost, falling over the edge, screaming out his lover's name, wetness spreading on his thigh. 

Blair called out in his sleep, and jerked slightly awake. He chuckled, "Damn, one date and I'm like a teenager again." He took off his underwear and cleaned himself, dropping them on the floor to take care of in the morning. He rolled over, bringing one hand unconsciously to his lips, trying to recapture the feeling of his dream, already mostly asleep. 

Upstairs, Jim slept, true to his word, oblivious to the world around him. 

Blair awoke the next morning very slowly. The sensations from his dream surrounded him, and his dick stirred, rubbing against the sheet. He let his mind drift, remembering... 

The kiss, the caresses, those intense blue eyes... 

Blair's eyes snapped open and he catapulted fully into consciousness. 'Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck!', cursing himself in his head. It had been Jim! 'Oh, damn. I'm dreaming about Jim. Why can't I get past this?' Thoughts whirled through Blair's mind. Of course it was Jim. He liked Alec, had enjoyed kissing him, but he was fast learning that love has a mind of its own. He rolled over, pressing his face into his pillow. Pushing images of Jim purposefully out of mind, he tried to focus on Alec's handsome face. 'I am not going to do this to Alec,' he thought. 'He's a great guy, he deserves better. Hell, I'm not going to do this to _me_. I am not going to waste my life pining away for something unattainable.' With renewed resolve, he got out of bed to head to the shower. His steps faltered as one more piece of information slammed into focus: At the climax of his wet dream, he had called out Jim's name. Sardonically, he thought, 'Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water...' 

Jim was in a foul mood. A mood blacker than the cold coffee he had in front of him as he sat at the table. He heard the door to Blair's room open just as the phone rang, 

"Ellison," he barked. 

"What crawled up your ass and died?" the equally gruff voice of Simon answered him. 

"You interrupted my morning coffee. Besides you took your chances calling me this early in the morning. I can be as grouchy as I want to be; it _is_ my day off you know." 

"Not anymore." 

Jim sputtered around the sip of coffee he had just taken. Surprised almost as much by the coolness of it as he was at Simon's words. "What do you mean?" 

"Calm down, Jim. I just need to borrow you for a little while. We're getting ready to interrogate a suspect and we could use your 'expertise'. I wouldn't bother you, but if we don't get _something_ out of him, we'll have to cut him loose. So get your ass in gear. The sooner you check in, the sooner you can check out." Simon hung up, not even waiting for Jim to reply. 

"Great. Just great." 

"Something wrong down at the station?" The voice caught Jim off guard. He had lost track of Blair while he was on the phone. 

"No, just an interrogation. Hopefully, it won't take too long." 

"Bummer. Need me to tag along?" 

"No. I should be in and out. But I may go to the gym for a while." Yeah, an intense grilling and then a muscle straining workout. Two great tension relievers. That may not be so bad after all. He grabbed his coat and turned back to Blair. "Later, Chief." He turned up his hearing, unable to resist the need to just take a part of his partner with him. Automatically, he reached for the heartbeat; the steady sound filling him till his own heart matched it beat for beat. He left the apartment, taking the stairs, slowly heightening the rest of his senses. It would have been impossible for him to miss the audible sigh of relief that emanated from Blair upstairs. 

Jim's mood got blacker. 

What waited for Jim when he arrived back home, did nothing to improve his disposition. He thought he finally had a handle on it, his workout had been punishing enough to sweat the agitation out of him. But when he entered the kitchen to get a beer, and read the note that Blair had left for him, all his efforts went right down the toilet. 

'Jim - 

I thought you should have something else Italian besides pizza, so enjoy. Alec's brother is in a band, and we're going to hear them play. Probably be out kinda late. 

PS - We need to talk about last night. How about brunch tomorrow? You can make your famous omelets as a payback for the superb meal you are about to eat. Sounds fair to me. 

Later, Blair' 

Jim crumpled the note; tossing it into the trash. 

"Right, fix me a special dinner, but don't hang around to share it. Got to be with _Alec_!" 

Jim knew he was being petty, but he couldn't help it. 

"And now you want to talk about last night! What, about how you practically creamed in your pants from having _Alec's_ tongue down your throat? The only thing I want to hear about last night is how it was a mistake. But seeing as how you're off on another date with _Alec_ , I guess _that_ won't be the gist of your little talk." 

He slammed things around as he unset the table that Blair had set for him. Not even bothering to turn down his senses as the clanging of silverware and the clink of the plate and glass reverberated in his head. He was tempted to just toss the whole meal in the garbage, but opted instead for angrily slopping spoonfuls of food into assorted Tupperware containers and practically hurling them inside the refrigerator. The heat of the water as he washed the pots seemed to permeate his whole body and he finally succumbed and turned down his sense of touch. 

"Right, _now_ you want to talk! Don't hold your breath." 

When the kitchen was clean, Jim went out onto the balcony, losing himself in his thoughts. Daydreaming, wishing, fantasizing until he couldn't stand the whirlpool of his imagination any longer. 

Later, as he lay on his bed waiting for sleep to overtake him, he realized that he was starving. 

The next morning, Jim got up early, quickly preparing to leave before Blair awoke. He had no plans, maybe grab a fast-food breakfast, and then drive around for a while until it was a reasonable enough hour to invite himself over to Simon's to watch the game. He almost made it. Coat in hand, reaching for the door. 

"Going out for eggs?" 

"Oh hey, Chief...uh no, last minute paperwork...um, from yesterday. I got a little more involved than I intended. Have to give you a raincheck on brunch." 'Just one little lie, Ellison.' Jim thought. 'Just enough to get me out of here.' 

"Well, I wanted to find out about your bad dream. You really seemed in a bad way when I got in that night." 

"It was nothing, don't concern yourself," Jim said, emotions warring inside him as he realized the focus of Blair's talk. Not how he felt about Jim, not some explanation of this whole crazy thing with _Alec_. 

"I just... fine. See you." Blair turned and went into the bathroom. 

A minute later, Jim heard the shower running. All urge to flee now gone, in its place a strong desire to storm the bathroom, and confront Blair. To find out once and for all whether he was harboring any secret feelings for a battered, old Sentinel. To make him explain what he was doing drooling over Alec Grayson. To admit the things he himself had kept hidden, locked away in secret corners of his own heart. But fear was still stronger than desire, the fear of losing what there already was in the face of the seemingly unattainable. Jim left the apartment and hit the stairs running. He kept on running once out on the street. Running away, but reaching out. Extending his senses until he picked up the presence of his Guide. Determined to run until all traces had faded away. 

Blair felt colder and colder. It wasn't just the cooling temperature of the water, either. His spirit felt chilled. The more he tried to maintain the normal state of his relationship with Jim, the farther apart they seemed to be. They were out of sync. He didn't get it. 

He had talked to Alec about Jim last night. After his dream, he felt compelled to come clean for the most part, explaining about his partnership without revealing the details of the Sentinel/Guide aspect. And he confessed his true feelings. Alec had taken it all in stride, sympathizing with his plight, offering his support, and asking only if that meant that there was no chance for the two of them. Blair had assured him that he _wanted_ to have something with Alec, not adding that he felt a desperate _need_ to be able to establish something with him, but underscoring that he had to take it slow. Alec had held him and kissed him, and Blair had felt renewed. Ready to move on, to be what he could be to Jim, and to try to be something more to Alec. 

Now, he was faltering, the sense of disharmony like a winter wind blowing around him. He got out of the shower, dressed in the warmest clothes he could find, and got under a heavy blanket on the couch, searching inside himself for the strength to do what needed to be done. _No more wishing_. He had to be able to guide Jim; had to find the courage to do that and not yearn for more. He needed to turn his heart as best he could towards Alec, a good, kind man who was willing to love him back. That was that. Blair just wondered if he would ever feel warm again. 

* * *

As the holidays neared, the team of Ellison  & Sandburg existed on just fleeting contact with each other. The guys in Major Crimes found themselves unnaturally idle. The usual rush of holiday-related villainy was not forthcoming. More than one detective hoped out loud that it wasn't just the calm before the Christmas storm. 

With his police obligations at a minimum, and exams taking up a great deal of his time, Blair found he didn't have to share space with Jim too often. An occasional meal when he wasn't out with Alec, a poker game or two, that was it. Thanksgiving, Blair had eaten with Alec and his family, and Jim had shared the meal with Simon and Darryl. 

There had been the day after Thanksgiving, when he had planned on just vegging for a change; no plans, just watch a movie and rest. When he got home, Jim was already there, apparently with the same idea in mind and surprisingly the same movie in hand. They had watched together, calling for take-out and sharing a companionable evening. No stress-filled moments, no awkward silences. Just the contentment you feel when you find yourself in a place you had been missing. That night both Jim and Blair slept peacefully. 

Continued in part [two](guidedby1.html). 


	2. Chapter 2

Due to the size of this story, it has been split into three parts.

## Guided by Destiny

by JC

Author's webpage: <http://www.skeeter63.org/jayci/>

Continued from part [one](guidedby.html). 

* * *

Guided by Destiny by J.C. -- part two 

A few days before Christmas, Blair went into the station with Jim. It was snowing and he hated driving in the snow. Major Crimes was having a Christmas party; in fact the whole station would be partying later. Blair figured he might as well hang out at the station and grade some exams, while Jim went over New Year's detail with Simon and the captains and reps from various other departments. Everyone chipped in at this time of year so that the guys with families could have time off. He made himself busy throughout the day with his own work and the occasional job that was thrown his way by one of the guys. 

By that evening, the mood in the station was bordering on rapturous, as people began to put files away and uncover the food and drinks that had been put in the breakroom. Cops from other sections dropped by to extend holiday greetings and help themselves to some refreshments. Eggnog was poured and spiked; cups filled over and over. 

Blair was telling stories about his travels and the predicaments he had been in, getting more and more outrageous until every single cop that came through the door had almost choked trying to laugh and swallow rum laden eggnog at the same time. Blair had had a few drinks himself, actually more than a few since he had taken post near the punch bowl, and someone or another kept his cup topped off. He was feeling deliciously buzzed, enjoying all the camaraderie. Just one more thing that had been missing in his life before James Ellison. 

And Jim - Jim had been laughing heartily right along with everyone else, even at the stories Blair knew he had heard before. When was the last time he had heard Jim laugh? Five months ago when the detective had come home to see him dancing with abandon in the kitchen? Had it really been that long? Had things changed that much? All of his emotions crashed in on him, causing him to wobble on his feet. Jim was at his side before he could lose his footing. 

"Well folks, it seems our resident observer-slash-storyteller is a little unsteady on his feet." The room erupted into laughter as Jim grabbed Blair by the arm. "I think they were trying to get you drunk, Sandburg, to see if your stories were going to get a little off-color. They're animals you know." The room filled with laughter again along with various shouts for a lewd tale. "Oh no, I better take this guy home while it's still safe. Any longer and everyone of you will be responsible for cleaning up whatever he throws up in my truck." More laughter followed as Jim led Blair from the room. 

The heat of Jim's touch permeated Blair to the bone. The onrush of warmth was so startling, that he hadn't been able to say a word since Jim had grabbed him. It was also so welcome he didn't want to speak for fear of breaking the contact. Suddenly the hand was gone, but the warmth remained. Blair had to collect himself to keep from leaning in the direction of that sustaining heat. He felt calm, but was sure he had lost his mind. Was that all it took, one touch from Jim? Had they had so little physical contact over the last months? No wonder they seemed out of sync. Their interaction, seemingly normal on the surface, was, in fact, way off-kilter. 

As they got in the elevator, the noises of the party a faint joyful backdrop, Blair turned to Jim to speak. "I'm not drunk, man. I mean, I'm not feeling any pain, but I am definitely not drunk. In fact, I would say I'm at most maybe slightly tipsy." 

Jim suppressed a grin. Damn, the guy was cute. Cute, sweet, sexy...unavailable. Jim cleared his throat. "Calm down, Sandburg. I was just ready to go. And since I am your ride, that seemed an easy way for both of us to exit with the least amount of fuss. Unless you would rather have stayed...caught a ride with one of the guys..." 

"Naw, man. I think I've had it." 

They exited the elevator and made their way to Jim's truck. Jim stopped at the passenger door, keys in hand. "Okay then, now about the amount of alcohol you have imbibed this evening...I don't expect to have any accidents inside my truck." 

Blair smirked, "Hey man, where's your holiday spirit?" 

"I have plenty of holiday spirit. I'm allowing you _in_ the truck, aren't I? Jim grinned at his partner. "Just make sure you keep _your_ holiday spirit from spilling over on the way home." 

Blair laughed, shaking his head, "What's a little barf between friends, especially during the holiday season?" 

"Sandburg..." 

"Relax, man. I'm fine, really." 

They rode home slowly, mindful of the weather conditions. Jim had the heat blasting in deference to Blair's aversion to the cold. Both men seemed lost in thought, the silence broken only by soft Christmas songs coming from the car radio. Jim stole glances at Blair, fascinated by the passing lights playing across his skin, and blazing paths through his hair. He quickly averted his eyes as Blair turned in his direction. "What's on your mind, big guy?" 

Jim's mind furiously tried to come up with a suitable answer. "I was wondering if you felt up to helping me do the tree thing. The place shouldn't be closed yet. If you don't have plans later, I mean. Or you could just ride with me to pick it out, and I can do the rest myself." 

"Hey, doing a tree sounds cool. No plans tonight, I could do that." 

Jim smiled, the smile building from inside until it spread on his face. "Great, Chief. Let's do it!" He turned towards the tree lot. Forty-five minutes later, they were at the loft, laughing, struggling with setting up a large tree. 

Blair's face was flushed, eyes merry. Jim was enthralled. Christmas wasn't really Blair's thing, or his either for that matter, but they had always had a little tree in the loft, and exchanged a present or two. But this tree was big and beautiful, and both he and Blair had wanted it as soon as they had spotted it. Silliness was in the air as they strung lights and hung bulbs and Blair poked Jim in the side trying unsuccessfully to get him to giggle as he placed the star on top. When all was finished, and order restored to Jim's satisfaction, they both sat on the couch watching the lights twinkle on and off. Jim was letting himself get drawn into the flashing of the visual stimulus, enjoying the sense of peace he was feeling. He heard Blair call his name from a distance. 

"Jim!" Blair said loudly, "are you here, man?" 

Jim pulled himself back in, focusing automatically on Blair's voice. "Yeah, Chief, just being, that's all. The tree turned out really nicely. Something wrong?" 

"No...well...no." 

"Spit it out, Sandburg." Jim tried to quell the light sense of unease he was beginning to feel. He wanted desperately to hold on to the peacefulness. 

"I was just wondering, what are your plans for the holidays?" 

"Nothing, just work, I guess. Mostly everybody is planning on spending Christmas with family, and I figured you would be...busy." He gave Blair a quick glance. "I'll probably sleep. I don't have to work Christmas day, but I will be working late Christmas Eve." 

"Well, I don't have classes for a month, so you know that means at least a few weeks free before I have to start preparing for next semester, so Naomi was going to come stay for a little while. You know, spend the holidays with me, and meet Alec and stuff...I was kind of hoping to cook dinner here." 

'Christ, now he's bringing the guy home to meet his mother!' Jim's voice was surprisingly calm considering he felt like he just got kicked in the balls. "You know Naomi is welcome here any time, Chief. You live here too, go ahead and cook dinner if you want. I'll give Simon a call. Darryl is spending the break with his mom, so I can probably bug him while you have your dinner party." 

"Hey, no! I didn't mean I wanted you to clear out. I just didn't want to interrupt anything you might have planned. Anyway, Naomi would be disappointed if you made yourself scarce. She thinks the world of you, you know, even though you are like totally establishment." Blair grinned at Jim, waiting for his answer. "As a matter of fact, I'll call Simon and invite him over, too. Plus you know, we always take food down to the guys that have to work." 

Jim didn't respond to Blair's commentary. Instead, he slowly said, "You know, Chief, you've never said anything about you and _Alec_." The emphasis on Grayson's name was so automatic in Jim's mind, he didn't even notice that he had stressed it when he spoke. 

Blair flinched slightly. "What about me and Alec?" 

Jim turned and looked at his friend, "That's what I mean, what about you? I mean...I just...I mean.... I thought you guys were friends." 

Blair blushed. The heat of it made Jim turn away. "We were...are. But one day he asked me out and things kind of went on from there." Blair blushed harder. This whole line of conversation was making him uncomfortable. "I thought you liked Alec." 

"I did...I mean...do. At least I liked Grayson, this guy _Alec_ just sort of popped up out of the blue." 

"Tell me about it." 

Jim turned back to see Blair with a seemingly lovesick smile on his face. His stomach rolled and all of a sudden the lights seemed overpowering. He closed his eyes and concentrated on regaining control. He took deep breaths. "It seems... is it serious? I mean it seems sort of serious." 

"Jim, what is this about? Are you pissed because I brought a boyfriend around you? You knew I slept with men. I didn't hide that from you. So, what do you have against Alec?" 

'This can't get worse,' Jim thought. 'Has he already _slept_ with Alec?' He closed his eyes against the lights again, trying to focus on breathing. "I don't have anything against Alec, Sandburg. It's just that one day you're out rollerblading with the guy and the next day you're _humming_. And you never talked about it. Not even in passing. Not even before he picked you up that first time. And now it seems like it's serious, at least serious for you and you still haven't said anything. I'm just curious." Jim took one more deep breath, immensely proud of himself for making it through that little speech without losing it. 

Blair didn't think he could blush any deeper. Had he really been humming? Out loud? "I guess I didn't know what to say. I knew you would know that things...changed. But what is there to say? We're not getting married or anything. We both decided we were attracted to each other and wanted to see where dating would lead. We were friends first, and that's still important, but we wanted to explore the rest too. That's all." 

Jim coughed to try to clear the lump in his throat. 'A day late and a dollar short. The star who took a wrong turn trying to get to the premiere and showed up only to find that the understudy was on and doing a damn good job.' Jim coughed some more. "So uh... what did Naomi say?" 

"She knows that I go out with guys, Jim. But I told her that I was following your advice about not being so immature, and flitting from relationship to relationship. This thing with Alec is my first attempt to actually work on something that could last. I think that tripped her out a bit. But she seemed cool." 

Jim had regained some control, but only by pretending that he wasn't really having this conversation but was witnessing it from a distance, like someone with cheap seats at a play. "So is this the guy...you know the guy from...before?" 

Blair considered lying, considered it for a long moment. "No, Alec's not him." 

"What happened to him?" 

Blair shrugged. "He's still around. I just realized it was hopeless and moved on." 

"Well, I'm glad then. Glad you have Alec, I mean. Someone in your life you want to get serious about. You know, I envy you. It's weird, I envied that you could just dive in and get what you wanted on a casual basis, and now I envy the fact that you can take a step like this. It's been hard for me ever since the divorce. I haven't been able to feel connected to anybody." Thinking to himself 'Except for a certain person who shall remain nameless.' "And I haven't been able to disconnect enough to just go with the flow and not look back. That makes it hard and lonely." 

Blair was amazed. Introspection from Detective James Ellison? That was like a _serious_ miracle. He reached out and gave Jim's shoulder a quick squeeze. "You gave me some advice once, now it's my turn. Learn to take a chance, Jim. Give yourself a chance to _form_ a connection with somebody. You know, you're kind of closed off. If you don't let get people close, how can you get close to people? You have to be open enough for people to feel they can take a chance on you too, you know. That's one thing I learned from being with Alec. He took a risk when he asked me out, and I allowed myself to be open to it. Just think, we could have known each other all that time and never allowed ourselves to have experienced this. I want that for you, Jim. Don't let Carolyn fuck that up for you for the rest of your life." 

"It's not just Carolyn, Chief. I guess it's every relationship I've ever had. Fucked up, fucked over, fucking gone." The weariness and resignation in Jim's voice startled Blair. 

Blair reached out to Jim again, this time resting his hand on Jim's shoulder. "Well, you still got me, big guy. A Sentinel and Guide - that's forever right?" 

Jim snorted a little laugh. "Yeah, Chief, you're my best friend." He rose slowly from the couch, freeing himself from physical contact with Blair, going over to look out into the night at the snow falling through the reflection of the lights in the glass, filling his lungs with evergreen-scented air. A heavy sigh escaped him. "You know, I think that was my biggest problem with Carolyn. We were never really friends. We had nothing to fall back on when times got rough. I had that...once. A long time ago." Jim paused, eyes closed, remembering. "I had been seeing this girl...Susie Quartermain for 3 years when I joined the service. You know, athlete and cheerleader. Typical. She was pretty and sweet, I really liked her a lot. But that was pale in comparison to Chase." He was lost deep in the past, not consciously noticing that Blair had risen to stand next to him. But subconsciously, he reached out to the familiar heartbeat, bringing the familiar scent to the forefront, letting the familiar heat mingle with the cold coming from the night air on the other side of the window. Jim snorted again. "Chase Jones. I had never met anyone like him. Larger than life. Fearless but fun. Strong but kind. Beautiful but masculine." 

Blair was stunned. Shocked into speechlessness. 

"From the moment I met him, I knew...I don't know exactly what I knew. Not that I wanted him, had to have him...not that I loved him...those things were all new to me...took time to deal with. But I knew that I needed him to be a part of my life. That something felt so right when I was with him. I felt that with every fiber of my being. And as time passed and we fell in love, I was overwhelmed with the sensation of it. It's a wonder I could function as a soldier, I was so _high_. But Chase was an excellent soldier and he challenged me in that arena as well as all others. The first time we made love, I was so scared. Not of the act itself...not the pain or the awkwardness. But I wasn't sure I would be able to survive the intensity of it. I knew it would be intense, and I thought the force of it would break me. Just thinking about coming inside of him, or him taking me, made me shake. Hell, the first time we kissed, I came in my pants. And he didn't laugh, he told me to kiss him some more so he could do it too, so that he could feel it wet and slick inside his jock, and think of me." 

Jim shuddered at the memories, and Blair wondered out loud, "What happened?" 

Jim drew his arms around himself, the winter cold suddenly much stronger than the heat from his guide. Blair sensed this and moved closer until they were touching. Jim took a deep breath, drawing comfort from the increase in heat. On their own, his senses again tuned into Blair, seeking solace in the present, while he, still lost in the past, shuddered again. Blair didn't think his question had been heard, but when Jim spoke again it was answered. 

"He died. Or was killed. Whatever." Blair tensed up, but didn't move from Jim's side. "He got transferred out of my unit. He was picked to train with an elite group. I had been trying to get up the nerve to talk with him about leaving the military. With him in my life, I didn't need to keep looking for whatever I thought I would find in the service. But he loved being a soldier, and I had been afraid that he wouldn't want to do it. Then he got word about the transfer and even though he was crazed about leaving me, I could also tell how excited he was about the job. He talked to the C.O. about putting in a transfer for me, but it didn't happen. I let him go. With a smile on my face and my heart breaking. Those last days were filled with frantic fucking. We couldn't get past it to even make love to each other. We said we would keep in touch and hook up later, after his training, to see if we could get stationed near each other, but we fucked like it was always the last time. And then it was. If I had really known it was going to be the last time, I would have done everything differently. But the last time was gone, the last kiss, the last smile. I never heard from him again. Two weeks later, word came back to our unit that he had been killed during a training exercise. I threw myself into military life to keep from doing something more destructive. Even though, I guess, I chose the path of my military career to parallel Chase's, probably a latent death wish. Hoping to go like he did so we could be together again." 

Blair thought there was no way his world could be turned upside down so quickly. Not again, not after all this time. Not after coming to grips with what his place could be in Jim's life. Shock and anger and jealousy swirled through him. Fear and dread joined the mix. Emotions at odds within him. How could this be? How could Jim be saying these things, expressing these emotions about a man... a man that wasn't him. How could Jim have been even capable of feelings like this and keep it in all this time? Blair became aware of the larger man's body shaking and shook himself out of his thoughts. He looked up and saw the tears rolling down his partner's face, automatically reaching out to put an arm around him. Jim leaned his forehead against the cold glass and continued to cry, but the shaking subsided. Blair patted his back in a soothing rhythm like you would to calm a scared child, trying to decide what he should say. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Not exactly the encouraging comment he had been searching for. 

"I've never told anybody. It hurt so much. I pushed it far back in my mind behind a heavily locked door, and tried to pretend it had never actually happened. I never talked about it, but I could never forget it." 

"I'm sorry." Blair thought miserably 'Yeah, sorry. Sorry for you, sorry for me, sorry for Alec for jumping into the middle of you and me, sorry I didn't know all of this sooner, sorry that you had to be hurt that way, sorry that I feel what I feel, sorry...sorry...sorry...' 

Blair's thoughts were cut off when Jim spoke. "Blair, tell me honestly, were you ever in love with me?" 

Distractedly, Blair stepped away from Jim. "Why do you think I have all these crazy thoughts going through my head? I mean I've driven myself to the edge and back over my feelings for you, and what to do and what not to do...." 

"So I _was_ the one..." 

That quiet comment cut through everything and slammed Blair harshly back to his present circumstances. Color drained from his face as he realized what he had just said. Just like before, the anger surfaced first. 

"What kind of game are you playing here, Ellison?" 

"No game, Chief." 

"Then what...how...what do you mean?" 

"Wasn't I the one?" Jim said quietly, staring intently into Blair's eyes. "The guy you were interested in who you thought wasn't interested in you?" 

Blair's senses were reeling. He felt like he had been flattened. And Jim just kept dropping bombs. Self-preservation reared its head. "No, of course not. How could you say that?" 

"Blair, please." Jim stepped forward, not daring to reach out and touch. "Enough. It _was_ me. Please, just say it. What have you got to lose? You have Alec now. Please..." 

Simultaneously each man tried to catch his breath. Twin jolts of pain tore through them. Blair just crumpled to the floor, not crying, taking all of his control to spare him that. Stricken, Jim looked on, all of his energy expended just in focusing on remembering to take a breath. 

"I can't believe you knew...all this time...oh fuck, what a joke...I can't believe this... I can't believe this...." Over and over until the words ran together in an incoherent jumble, pain and sorrow in every syllable. 

Jim knelt down, finally able to hazard a touch, and reached out to rub Blair's back, trying to give back the comfort that Blair had given him. "Chief, listen to me. I didn't know, not all the time." He kept up the constant stroking. "I was worried and confused. Remember, I came to find you on the mountain. That night I had a dream...." He explained the dream to Blair and the conclusions he had come to as a result. "But when you got back," he continued, "you didn't say the things I thought you were going to say. Didn't want to talk about it at all. I thought I had maybe misinterpreted things. I was going to tell you everything; my past, my feelings, but you clammed up. I figured it was better to have what we always had. I couldn't lose my best friend, Chief. I couldn't risk that." 

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Blair's voice was faint but steady. "That's why I couldn't say... couldn't do... that's why I clammed up as you say. You're my best friend, Jim." He looked up, his eyes watery, but his gaze intent. "Are you mad?" 

"Mad? How could I be mad? I'm sorry, that's all. For being an idiot and not seeing. For not being strong when I finally did know. For not trusting what we have here." 

"Works both ways, big guy. Welcome to the 'House of Idiots'." 

Blair flashed a sad smile and Jim's heart turned over. He chuckled, finally ceasing his massage and lowering himself to sit. He realized that he was extremely aware of his Guide. His senses were filled with him. He had broken Blair's only rule. 'Tonight, is mine,' he thought. 'Tonight I'm allowing myself to luxuriate in him, in the only way I can.' Jim felt the pain of knowing. Knowing the face of love, but knowing that face belonged to someone else. How was he supposed to handle things now? He sighed and focused on Blair, watching him closely. 

"So, what do we do now, Jim?" 

Jim made a show of stretching and stood up. He reached out a hand to Blair and pulled him to his feet. "We go to bed. And tomorrow, if you get up early enough, I'll drive you through the snow to buy all sorts of things for you to cook to impress Naomi and...Alec." 

Blair heard the catch in Jim's voice, and felt a sudden rush of cold. How come things could never be simple for him? What do they do now? He realized Jim had evaded really answering the question. Looking down, he touched the back of Jim's hand. "Could you...would you mind staying up with me for a little while longer? Maybe sit here and just enjoy the tree for a little bit?" 

Jim just turned away, and moved to the couch. He gathered up the extra blanket they always had handy for Blair and made himself comfortable, recognizing the fact that neither of them wanted this moment in time to end, especially since there was no telling what would come after. He called Blair softly. 

"Chief." 

Blair turned to see Jim holding open the blanket. Warmth flooded him and all seemed right with the world, at least for right now... He walked over and settled in next to Jim, snuggling in the cocoon of blanket that Jim had arranged for him. He stared sleepily into the blinking Christmas lights, aware of the pressure of Jim's hip and thigh alongside his own. Fighting his drowsiness for a minute, Blair remembered something. Something Jim had wanted him to say... 

"You _were_ the one, Jim. The one I wanted..." 

Jim sat there with everything in him tuned into his Guide. A tear rolled down his cheek as he concentrated. Waiting.... When he was sure that Blair had definitely drifted off to sleep, he reached out and caressed Blair's hair. Fingering a curl and whispering into the room, "I love you, Chief." 

* * *

Drifting awake, Jim was faced with dueling sensations - a sharp pain on one side of his neck and a warm wetness trailing down the other side. He struggled to full consciousness, trying to identify the source of both. As his mind focused, he realized that he had fallen asleep on the couch with his head tilted at an awkward angle, producing a cramp in his neck. As for the other side, he opened one eye to find his partner caressing his neck with his tongue. 

Full awareness hit and he bolted upright. 

"What...what...ow!!" Jim massaged the hurt side of his neck, carefully trying to ignore the cool trail left by Blair on the other side. 

Blair grinned at him. "Morning, big guy." 

Jim stretched, trying to get all of the kinks out, giving Blair a quick glance as he did so. "What's up, Chief?" 

"You, man, _now_." 

Jim yawned and stretched again. "Yeah, I am, _now_." 

Blair was staring at him with a goofy smile on his face. Jim was silent, not sure what to say, what to do, or what to make of Blair's enthused attitude. 

"Can we talk?" Blair asked, still smiling, but suddenly serious. 

"Can we have coffee first? After sleeping on the sofa in my clothes, I think coffee is in order before meaningful dialogue." 

"Sure, coming right up. Why don't you grab a shower and I'll throw together a light breakfast." He snatched the blanket from around his partner and threw it around himself before planting a soft kiss on Jim's nose and heading into the kitchen, silly smile still in place. Jim just shook his head, totally disconcerted. 

Feeling a little more together, Jim entered the kitchen after showering and dressing, and poured himself a cup of coffee. Blair was still wrapped in the blanket, slicing fruit and putting the pieces in a bowl. Jim leaned back against the counter and peered at Blair over his coffee cup. 

"So what do you think you're doing, Sandburg?" 

"Just slicing some melon to go with the bagels." 

"No, I mean... with before. You kissed me and..." 

"Licked you?" Blair's eyes sparkled, as he turned to look at Jim. 

Heat rushed through Jim, centering between his legs. He took his coffee and took refuge sitting at the table. The cover it provided made him feel a little less exposed. Blair picked up the bagels and the fruit and joined him at the table, giving him a wide grin. 

"Last night was incredible to me. I was upset and scared and all mixed up at first, but I slept on it." He gave Jim a look that fairly radiated happiness. "I decided the important part, the part to focus on, was that I told you that I loved you and you didn't hit me or kick me out or any of the other horrible things that I had imagined. That makes me happy. It makes me want to touch you, makes me want to smother you with kisses...you get the idea." 

Jim looked at him, his expression neutral, speaking quietly. "You said that I was the guy you were interested in over the summer, you didn't say that you loved me." 

"Oh, didn't I? Well, I love you, Jim." Blair was beaming. "I know you don't feel the same way, but after hearing about you and Chase...well, it gives me hope." 

"Chief..." 

"Seriously, Jim. I'm not expecting anything. Well, I am hoping a little that there could be something.... But, I don't want to lose your friendship. It's okay if you don't feel the same way, just as long as knowing how I feel doesn't make you hate me." 

"I don't hate you, Sandburg. But, you know there can't be anything between us. Whether I could love you or not isn't the issue." Jim got up and poured himself another cup of coffee. While his back was to Blair, he said, "It's not that simple anymore. There is somebody else to consider here. I know you care for him a great deal." 

Blair got up and took his dishes to the sink. Turning to Jim, he asked, "Could you love me, Jim? Be in love with me, I mean." 

Jim went back to the table, sitting stiffly in the chair. Eyes intent on his bagel, he said, "Blair, you are seeing Alec. There's no way..." He fell silent. 

Blair was so angry, he swore he could see red. He couldn't even voice out loud the thoughts that raced through his head. What about all that stuff about being strong and trusting in what they had? Now Jim was just going to look in the face of all that wasted time and not even give them a chance? Not give him a chance to _show_ Jim what loving him could be like? Just send him off to try and live happily ever after with another man? 

"Fine, Jim. That's how you want it to be?" Blair was surprised that he could actually form words. Jim didn't answer, didn't move. "Fine. I'll go be with Alec. I'll fix a holiday meal, and sit across the table from you with us both knowing that I love you, but that you're sending me into Alec's arms. Yeah, that sounds good. That sounds good for everybody! What the hell is wrong with you, man?" Still Jim did not answer. Blair went into his room in a huff, blanket trailing behind him. A minute later he went into the bathroom, slamming the door. 

The sound of the door slamming caused Jim's breath to come out in a rush. He hadn't even realized that he had been holding it in. His stomach was tight with the fear he felt, not knowing what to do, what to think. All he could feel was the fear, and he wasn't even sure exactly what he was afraid of, but the walls felt like they were closing in on him. He jumped up, grabbed his coat and headed out into the cold. 

Blair sat on the closed lid of the toilet seat. He didn't know what he was going to do, but he did know what he was _not_ going to do. He was not going to cry, he was not going to yell, he was not going to lose control, he was not going to lose himself in this abyss of emotional turmoil. Determinedly, he got up and took a hot shower, letting the heat relax him and focus his thoughts. By the time he was dry, clean-shaven and dressed, he knew what he had to do, what he wanted to do. He added another layer of clothing to his body, and left the apartment. He needed to see Alec. 

* * *

Jim entered the loft that evening, not sure what to expect, and definitely not expecting what he found. A weird sense of deja vu greeted him. Blair Sandburg in one of his elements - a messy kitchen. He had a thick sweater - and who knew how many layers underneath - and he was singing along to the slow song coming from the stereo. He looked up and greeted Jim guiltily, rolling his eyes. 

"Don't say it, I'm gonna clean it up." 

Jim hung up his coat and went into the kitchen to get himself a beer. Blair turned his attention back to his cooking. 

After a long swallow of beer, Jim asked, "Are you still mad?" P > "No, I'm not mad, Jim, not at all," Blair said lightly. 

Jim gave him a wary glance. "What's all this?" 

Blair didn't look up. "I have a holiday dinner to fix, you know. I went grocery shopping. I'll finish putting everything away in a minute. Now, I'm fixing dinner for tonight. It will be done soon." 

Jim was at a loss. 'Familiar state for me these days,' he thought, as he sort of hovered, needing to be near Blair, but not sure if he was welcome. He put the rest of the groceries away, nibbled on a few things, trying to ignore Blair ignoring him. Finally, he gave up, got another beer and plopped on the couch in the living room. Blair shook his head and finished his preparations. He took a dish out of the oven and fixed dinner trays for the both of them. He looked over at Jim's sullen expression and chuckled. 

He walked out into the living room with the trays and handed one to Jim. "I know this is breaking one of your infamous 'House Rules', but I wanted to eat out here. Enjoy the atmosphere." 

"Sure, Chief, no big deal." 

"Right, no big deal. It's probably killing you inside." 

"No, really, no problem." 

They ate in relative silence, lights twinkling, slow music playing. Jim was unnerved. He never knew what to expect from Blair. They had run the full range lately. He wanted to apologize, but didn't know what exactly to apologize for. He wanted to ask about Alec, but didn't want to hear the answers, so he just kept quiet. When they were done, Jim rose and took everything back to the kitchen. He called out to Blair. 

"Hey, Chief, hot chocolate?" 

"Sure, if you spike it up for me." 

"More holiday spirit, Sandburg?" 

"'Tis the season." 

Jim fixed the hot chocolate, adding some Kahlua, feeling uneasy about how cozy things seemed. 'Things change,' he thought. 'Even when you try to keep them the same. Why should I be afraid to sit and share a drink with my partner? We've done it a hundred times before.' He took the cups out to Blair, who had stretched himself out full length on the couch. Jim handed him a cup and when he didn't move, sat on the floor with his back against the seat cushion, his own cup warming his hands. 

Blair's voice when he spoke was soft and soothing. "You know, we were both idiots - both too scared or unsure. Too scared to do the one thing we have learned will always help us make it through - trust in each other. You'd think we would know better. Well, you told me I needed to give the guy I wanted something to stick around for; the security of knowing that a door wouldn't be slamming on him in a few months time. And I told you to take a chance. Hell, maybe we're not so idiotic after all. Sounds like great advice to me. Why don't we take it?" 

"Chief..." 

Blair cut him off. "I went to see Alec today." 

He didn't look up even when he heard the change in Jim's breathing. He just kept going in that same gentle tone of voice. 

"I had already told him about you, you know. About how I felt about you, how I thought you felt about me. He was being real good about giving me enough time and space to deal with it. I know it was hard for him. He's a good friend. Hey, he only hinted _once_ about me moving out." 

Once again, Blair steadfastly ignored Jim's harsh intake of breath. 

"I wanted to have something with him, I really did, because I didn't want to just sit and wish for you everyday. He loves me, even now, and I feel glad but sad about that. I told him that we had sort of brought things out into the open, and that I needed him to understand why I couldn't see him anymore. I know he was hurt, and I wish I didn't have to hurt him, because I value his friendship. I hope I haven't lost that forever. But, I love _you_." He paused. "So, I've settled things between me and Alec. What now? You said before that there was a time that you were prepared to tell me everything about your past, about your feelings. Well, I've heard about your past, and that was a shocker, let me tell you. But what about your feelings? You've never said anything about that." 

Blair's calm delivery was a true indication of how he felt. No matter what happened, this was the right thing to do. 

"I'm afraid." 

Blair turned on his side and faced his partner. "Of what?" 

Jim shrugged. "You know, I don't know...maybe everything." Jim sighed. "I was so sure after I had that dream. I mean not sure of how things would turn out, but that somehow we would work it out. Then everything was out of control, out of _my_ control. Reining in my senses around you - that was the hardest thing I ever had to do. You were right, though. I never realized how in tune I was to you, how invasive it probably was. There were times here when I felt so alone... even when I was sitting right next to you." 

He paused; knowing that Blair was watching him, but he was unable to meet his partner's eyes, so he continued. 

"Then all of a sudden, there was _Alec_. Young, good looking, interesting, and bright. And you were...humming." He filled his lungs with air and released it slowly. "What am I afraid of? Of losing your friendship, of ruining what you could have had with Alec, of finding happiness and having it taken away. I don't know, Chief. It just seems like I missed my chance, here. Like there was a time that we could have connected, but I let it slip away." 

"Jim, how do you feel about me...?" 

Jim gave him a puzzled look. Hadn't he just said it all? 

"...Can't you even say it? Meet me halfway, here. Don't leave me hangin'. I know how scary it is. Just say what you feel...about me." 

"Blair..." Jim tried to swallow around the big lump in his throat. "I'm old, beat-up..." He let out a harsh breath, "...coldhearted." 

"Jim, that's just your fear talking. You're strong, you're compassionate. Look at all you've had to deal with - your senses, your job, your _life_. But you came through. Hey, you're in your prime, man. And you know it. Now, tell me how you feel..." 

"Blair..." Jim's voice faded as he looked into his empty cup. When had he drunk it all? 

'Okay, enough,' Blair thought. 'This is not working.' He took Jim's cup and set it down next to his. "Okay, Jim, talking's not your thing. Close your eyes." Jim just narrowed his gaze. "Come on, big guy, I'm the guide, remember? Close your eyes." Jim's eyes closed. "Concentrate. Relax. Just open yourself up." 

Jim filled his senses: the odor of the tree, the traces of chocolate and Kahlua from their cups, the aromas of the dinner they had eaten. Opening further: the soft sounds of music from the stereo, the whisperings of the wind outside. He relaxed into it more and felt something click inside. As always when he let go, he tuned in naturally to the presence of his guide. He noticed the heartbeat first, and that steady, familiar rhythm lulled him more. Then there was the smell - the clean scents of soap and shampoo, the spice of his sweat and underneath - that certain something that was identified only as "Blair". 

"Jim..." Blair shifted on the couch, moving closer to Jim's head as it lay back on the seat cushions. 

"Hmmm?" 

"You can hear my heartbeat, can't you? Can you feel my body heat?" 

Jim focused and found that he could. A comforting warmth nuzzling the side of him closest to Blair. He heard Blair's heartbeat increase, felt his heat intensify, could detect the rising odor of something that sent electricity coursing through him. 

"It's me, Jim. I know you can sense all of me." He moved closer and whispered in Jim's ear. "Please, tell me...." 

Jim turned to Blair. His eyes clear, his voice strong, his senses filled with but not overpowered by Blair. He smiled slightly, allowing his sight to join his other senses in experiencing Blair Sandburg. "You are the most beautiful person I've ever known." Blair blushed. "And I'm not just talking about that mug of yours. I mean inside, your spirit. You saved me, saved my life. You have been important to me for a long time. You're my best friend. I hope you will always be that to me, but...." 

Blair felt his breath catch in his throat and tears gather in his eyes. "It's okay, Jim. I told you it would be okay. You don't have to feel the same way as I do, I will always be your best friend. Sentinel and Guide, forever, remember?" 

"Chief..." 

Blair slumped down. It would get better. He could do it...again. Jim's partner...as it always was. 

"Oh, Chief... stop, you didn't let me finish." Jim reached up and pulled Blair down into his arms. "I love you, Chief. I'm a coward, I'm not worthy, I'll probably fuck it up, but I love you. I do, I love you." 

And then dreams came true and they were kissing. 

* * *

The last thought for a while from both men was 'At last.' Then all thought fled, unable to form amid the onslaught of sensations. When their lips touched, only a brief moment was spared for being gentle, before the power of love took over, turning the kiss into all aggression and passion. They tasted each other, tongues dueling in heated battle, losing themselves in feelings they had yet to name but which each never wanted to end. The kiss consumed them until they were forced to come up for air. 

Slowly their eyes met. Blair felt he could live forever in that moment. That moment of acknowledgment. Jim loved him, had _said_ it, had kissed him and now was looking into his eyes with all that emotion still there between them, not pushing him away, not withdrawing, just acknowledging. What could be better? 

And then they were kissing again. 

Kissing... Jim's tongue reached out and traced the fullness of Blair's lips, and a moist tongue flicked out in answer, tracing Jim's lips in turn. Heat rushed to Blair's groin when their tongues touched in passing, then Jim changed the rhythm by gently catching his lover's tongue between his teeth, slowly sucking it inside his mouth. His hands fumbled with the layers of Blair's clothing, searching for bare skin, gasping when he finally felt it. The rush of breath filled the younger man, his skin blazing under the heated touch, spurring him to reciprocate. He reached up under Jim's sweater with one hand and went on a slow expedition into wonderfully new territory, lightly rubbing along one nipple with the pad of his thumb until it hardened, then slowly scratched at it with his fingernail. Jim's low moans sent shivers through Blair, causing him to rock in the larger man's lap, which made Jim moan louder at the delicious friction on his cock, which compelled him to reach out and caress his lover's throbbing cloth-covered erection, making Blair cry out, barely controlling a scream as the desire surged through him. Action, reaction, action, reaction. Responses following so automatically that Jim felt the last vestiges of control slipping from him. He moved to press soft kisses on the side of Blair's face, licking gently at the delicate skin of an ear, controlling himself enough to whisper, "Blair, I'm afraid I won't do this right." 

"So far, so good, big guy." Blair traced lazy patterns along Jim's back. 

Jim grasped Blair's hands, stilling his touches, holding them tightly in clenched fists. "Not that, Chief," he growled. "I mean _this_ , this _whole thing_." 

Blair bent to kiss the fingers that covered his own. "You love me, that's a good start. I thought I was going to have to wear you down with my charm, but you have already succumbed." He grinned at Jim, turning serious when Jim did not smile back. "You do love me, right? Not like a brother, or a sidekick kid, or even as your life-saving Guide, right? I mean you love _me_." 

"Sandburg..." 

"Jim, not this time. Humor me, here. Tell me straight out." 

"I. Love. You. Blair. You're not a kid, more than a brother, not just my Guide. I was blindsided by it, and have been trying my damnedest to hide it for a good while now, but it's true. The idea that you were in love with me let loose all kinds of feelings. When I thought I was wrong and you seemed to get serious about...someone else, I was in misery. But I was still too scared to just _do_ something. God, Chief, how could I not love you? You let love be your guide and you're taking a chance on _me_." His voice cracked and he cleared his throat, letting go of Blair's hands to run one finger along the lips he had so recently kissed. "I'm sorry, babe. For not being as strong as you, for my stubbornness, for everything." 

"Don't apologize. I tried to bury my feelings long before you did, you know. I finally realized what you didn't - that there is still a chance for us to connect, if we're honest. I couldn't let you use Alec as an excuse. Enough excuses, Jim, for both of us." 

"You're right." He smirked. "As usual. No excuses, but maybe we should still just take it slow." 

"Slow," Blair repeated. "What do you mean?" 

"I mean a little longer and we would have been past the point of no return, Chief, right here on the floor." He straightened Blair's clothes, smoothing his own before wrapping his arms tightly around his partner. 

"And the problem being...?" 

"I told you, I want to do this right. I don't want any confusion. I don't want you to think everything is just about doing this." 

"No _this_?" Blair whispered. 

Jim laughed, the sound deep and husky. "Well, maybe this...." And they were kissing again. Jim broke it off, trailing his mouth over his lover's face, memorizing the feel of him. He breathed in the scent, the aroused aroma that permeated the younger man, nuzzling behind his ear, letting silky curls tickle at his nose. It frightened Jim to feel this happy. He tried to soak up strength from Blair's presence, clamping down on the feeling that something was just lurking around the corner to snatch happiness from his life. 

He flicked at Blair's earlobe, sending new tremors through the younger man. "Chief..." he whispered. 

"Hmmm?" 

"About you and Alec..." his voice trailed off. 

Blair turned to look him in the eye, his voice serious. "No excuses, Jim, and no secrets either." 

"It's nothing, really, it's nothing." 

"Jim, what is it that you want to know?" 

"I just feel a little overwhelmed. He's so...." He cut that off at the look on Blair's face. "I know, insecurity is a bitch." He took a deep breath. "It doesn't matter, really, I was just wondering if you and he... you know. My senses have been down, not that I would check up on you or anything, but I probably would have noticed..." He took another breath. "Damn...." 

"Jim...no, baby. I didn't...we didn't. Everytime we would move in that direction, I couldn't. For me, you were always there. But I'm not exactly a virgin, you know." 

"I know." Jim was only a little disturbed at how absurdly pleased he was with Blair's answer. 

"And if anyone should be worried, it should be me. I'm the one with the competition." 

" _I_ haven't been seeing anybody, Sandburg. You know that." 

"Yeah, but there's _Chase_." Inwardly Blair flinched, both at the icy finger of unwarranted jealously that he felt trail down his spine and at the unintentional emphasis of Chase's name. 

Jim swallowed, his voice flat. "Chase is dead." 

"I know, Jim, but you have this vivid recollection of him. An impression that can't be changed. Alec is just a man, but _Chase_ is like a god. Frozen in time, perfect, flawless. And I am not even close, as you have pointed out on numerous occasions." He shrugged at Jim's wince. "It's okay, Jim. I've done the same to you. Do the words uptight and anal ring a bell?" Jim chuckled, relaxing. "Seriously though, have you ever even _been_ with another man since Chase?" 

Jim shrugged again. "A couple." 

Blair's eyebrows rose up into his head. "Really? No joke? Anything serious?" 

"Uh, no, not really." 

"Jim Ellison indulging in sexual intercourse without emotional entanglements? Kinda hard to believe, man." 

"After Chase, I didn't follow up on my attractions to other men. In the service, I never wanted to be that close to another soldier. When I got out, it always seemed so complicated. But then when I started working Vice, all of a sudden, it was easy. I sort of clicked with a couple of people. They weren't the criminal element, just men I met while on the job. I cared about these guys, just wasn't in love or anything. I was under a lot of stress during that time, I guess that helped me through it. They weren't looking for anything too deep either, so no one got hurt. But, they were hardly one night stands, Sandburg." Jim tried to explain when he caught the astounded look on Blair's face. 

"But they still weren't really _relationships_." 

"Well, I guess you couldn't say they were my _boyfriends_. But we were _lovers_ , Chief." 

"But only in the sexual sense." 

Jim sighed. "Yes, Blair." 

"And that had nothing to do with the strength of your feelings for Chase?" 

"I didn't compare them, I never thought of them that way." 

"And me?" 

"Chief, Chase is...gone forever. I did love him, I won't lie about that, but it was a long time ago. Now, there's you and me. No competition." He kissed the top of Blair's head. 

"No competition," Blair repeated. 

"No excuses, no secrets, no competition." Affirmations spoken quietly, but firmly. 

Blair smiled. "I love you." 

"Love you too." 

They sat quietly for a minute, enjoying the solid feel of each other. 

"So, how long do we have to wait?" 

"We're not really waiting, Chief. I just want things to progress gradually." 

"Okay. Just as long as you know that I am ready." Mopving up, he nibbled on Jim's neck. "Willing." Sucking on the flesh, gently at first, then harder. "And able." Finally, tonguing the red mark that he had left there. He felt the power of love and lust flare up inside him. His dick stirred at the sound of Jim's sharp intake of breath and subsequent exhale. He felt Jim's cock answer with a stirring of its own, nudging at his ass, and groaned as he moved against it. 

"Chief... don't tease me." Jim's voice rumbled in warning. 

"Or what?" 

Jim captured Blair's mouth in a bruising kiss. Roughly he bucked his hips, grinding his cock into Blair's ass, grasping a hip with one hand, and tangling the other in the mass of his lover's hair. By sheer force of will, he tore his mouth away. "Or, I will tease you back, and make you wait longer." 

Shaken, Blair replied, "Okay." Then he smiled sexily. "You win... for now." 

Jim traced the curves of the just-kissed lips, trying to calm the raging in his body, thinking that he hadn't won. In fact, he had a feeling that he was in way over his head and his dick jumped again at the thought of drowning in the passion that was Blair Sandburg. 

Blair felt the insistent pulsing beneath him and whispered "Down, boy." He stretched in Jim's arms initiating a brief, sweet kiss. 

"Hey, Jim, listen..." 

Jim listened, focusing without thought on Blair's heartbeat. 

Blair chuckled. "No, Jim, the song." 

Jim blushed deeply, turning his focus to the song in question and the strong voice singing. 

//You treated me kind - sweet Destiny...  
Carried me through desperation to the one that was waiting for me.   
You took so long... still I believed...  
Somehow the one that I needed would find me eventually.  
I had a vision of love and it was all that you've given to me.// 

The two men concentrated on the powerful song. The spirit of it filled the air around them, echoed by the feelings inside the two hearts beating in that room. 

//Prayed through the nights...felt so alone.  
Suffered from alienation... carried the weight on my own.  
Had to be strong... so I believed...  
And now I know I've succeeded in finding the place I conceived.  
I had a vision of love and it was all that you've given to me.// 

Blair reached out to touch Jim, grabbing the hand that lay on his hip, lacing their fingers. Jim pulled his lover's head closer to his chest, resting his cheek on the soft cushion of curls. 

//I've realized a dream...   
And I've visualized the love that came to be.  
Feel so alive... I'm so thankful that I've received  
The answer that heaven has sent down to me.  
You treated me kind - sweet Destiny...  
And I'll be eternally grateful, holding you so close to me.  
Prayed through the nights so faithfully...  
Knowing the one that I needed would find me eventually.  
I had a vision of love and it was all that you've given to me...  
I had a vision of love and it was all that you turned out to be.// 

"Jim. That's us. That's how I feel about us together." 

"Me too, Chief." 

"You? Jim Ellison believing in Destiny?" 

"Well, deep down, I never stopped wishing or holding on to the belief that there would be something... someone." He paused, then valiantly pressed on. "And you have been the vision I see whenever I think of love for a long time now." 

Blair hugged him fiercely, kicking himself for not going to Jim, heart in hand, months ago. He whispered, "Hopeless romantic." 

"Yeah, well, this hopeless romantic is not as young as he used to be and after spending last night on the couch, I'm not looking forward to a night spent on this floor. Let's go up to bed." 

Blair flushed. 'Up to bed - with Jim. Dreams do come true.' Aloud he said, "In a minute, big guy, hold me a little while longer. I like it here. It's... magical. The smell of pine, the twinkling lights, the love...." 

"Five more minutes, Chief." 

Five minutes later, they were both asleep, wrapped in each other, contentment settled around them like a favorite blanket. 

Concluded in part three.


	3. Chapter 3

Due to the size of this story, it has been split into three parts.

## Guided by Destiny

by JC

Author's webpage: <http://www.skeeter63.org/jayci/>

Continued from part two. 

* * *

Guided by Destiny by J.C. -- part three 

Jim groaned as he slowly came awake. Awareness came in the form of a numbing pain in his ass and a heavy weight pressing into his stomach. 'Damn, my butt's asleep.' He looked down and smiled at the heavy weight that was Blair. 'How come we can't make it to a bed, Chief?,' he thought. He peeked at his watch - 5:15am - an hour and a half before he had to get up. He considered wrestling Blair up the stairs and hitting the bed for his last bit of rest. 'Nah, not worth the effort.' He grabbed the available covers and laid them out on the floor, gently repositioning the smaller man as he stretched out and pulled one side of a quilt around them. Blair's physical presence was comforting. He relaxed as the feeling returned to his rear end and let himself fall back to sleep. 

"Jim... Jim..." The voice was persistent and compelling. Jim blinked his eyes, the world coming into focus. 

"I'm awake, Chief." 

"What time do you have to go in, and why are we on the floor?" 

"Eight, and you are not only stubborn, but heavy." 

"Hey!" 

Jim felt a pinch on his right nipple. The sweet pain went straight to his cock, tensing his morning hard-on even more. "Well, I said let's go up, you said five more minutes." 

"If I recall correctly, _you_ said five more minutes. I just agreed with you." 

"But, _you're_ the one who wanted... oh, never mind." 

"And, I'm _not_ heavy." 

"At five in the morning, when I'm half asleep, you are." 

"Well..." Blair drew the word out slowly, his voice deep with something that sent a shiver down Jim's spine. "I can make it on my own now. Let's go up." 

"I don't think so. I'm working a split shift today. First leg in less than an hour. That means it's time for a shower and coffee." 

"Aww, Jim...." 

Jim planted a firm kiss on Blair's lips and made his escape. He didn't trust himself to stay and listen to Blair Sandburg begging. One shower and two cups of coffee later, he was ready to go. Blair was on the sofa, wrapped in blankets, trying out his best pout. Jim felt the pull of that look and deliberately put his cup in the kitchen and went straight to the door. He pulled on his jacket, chuckling as much at his reaction to Blair as at Blair himself. His calm demeanor was at odds with the fluttering in his gut as he turned back to face Blair. 

"Chief.... Blair turned slightly in Jim's direction. "I love you. I know I can't join you, but why don't you go on up... to our bed." 

Blair's insides melted, but he just stuck his tongue out. 

Jim laughed and headed out. "See you later, Chief." 

He didn't even have to have Sentinel hearing to hear Blair yell out "Love you too!" from behind the closed door. 

On his way to the station, Jim marveled at the turn of events of the last few days. He was looking forward to finally spending a night in a bed, though, especially if he could be wrapped around Blair all night. He felt the familiar rousing in his pants and wondered if this waiting thing was such a good idea after all. He adjusted himself and thought about weapons maintenance until his pants fit comfortably again. 

* * *

It was the slowest Christmas on record for the Cascade PD. Jim caught up on busy work that he thought he would never have time for and was wishing he hadn't found the time for it now. His mind kept wandering, and always in the direction of one particular police observer. He even volunteered to go out on a domestic violence call, just to have something else to focus on. The call had been a distraction, to say the least. Mildred Haskins, middle aged housewife, had given her husband a concussion when she whacked him in the head with a roasting pan. (Her weapon of choice when she couldn't get a good grip on the 20 lb. turkey). She maintained that she couldn't take one more holiday where her husband railed about how her stuffing wasn't as good as his mother's. Twenty-two years, she said, enough was enough. Wait until he told Sandburg about that one. 

At 2:30 he called the loft, hoping to share a late lunch/early dinner with his sexy partner. 

"Hello?" 

"Hey." 

"Hey yourself, big guy." Blair's voice saturated him like a warm shower. 

"I get a break at 3, have you eaten? I thought maybe I would come home and we could have lunch together." 

"Cool, I'll fix something up." 

"No, I didn't mean for you to make it. I just wanted to make sure you would be around." 

"No problem, Jim. I'm cooking anyway - getting a head start on tomorrow." 

"Fine, see you in a bit." 

"Okay, love you." 

"Yeah... uh, me too." Jim felt the heat rise to his face and glanced around guiltily, only to find that no one had been paying him any attention. 

"Bye." 

"See you." 

Jim wrapped up the paperwork on the Haskins roasting pan case and headed home. 

A rush of delicious odors hit Jim as soon as he entered the building. Seemed like Blair wasn't the only one getting started early on holiday meal preparations. In his apartment, the smells were no less intense, and the kitchen was overflowing with the fruits of Blair's labors. As he closed the door, his partner looked up. 

"Hey, you're here!" 

"Yeah, I'm here." 

They gravitated towards each other, meeting for a kiss. Jim smiled, brushing back Blair's curls from his face. The kiss was long, slow and sweet, and made Blair's knees weak. 

"Whew, it's hot in here." Blair backed away slightly and made eye contact with Jim. 

"Well you have on who knows how many layers, a fire is going and the oven is on." 

"I don't know, I was fine until you got here." 

"Oh, so _I_ make you hot." 

"Oh yeah, definitely." 

Jim reached under Blair's sweatshirt and tugged at the clothes underneath. "So, it's not all these clothes you have on?" 

"I don't think so." His voice was faint as Jim found that special spot on his neck. 

"And it's not the oven or the fire?" 

"Well, it could have been, except for one thing..." 

Jim continued his attention to Blair's neck, murmuring, "What's that?" 

Taking one of Jim's hands and guiding it to his crotch, Blair gasped as he felt strong fingers close around his hard-on. 

"I don't remember ever getting hard because of the oven before." 

Jim burst into laughter - squeezing Blair's cock gently and kissing behind his ear. 

"It's not funny, Jim. I don't think I can handle this waiting thing." 

"I'm sorry, Chief. I know how you feel. I've been thinking about you naked in bed all day." 

"Really?" 

"Yeah." He rubbed his groin against Blair's hip. "I had to think about cleaning guns in order not to take _this_ into the station with me." He punctuated it with another grind. 

"So, let's move this upstairs." 

"Sandburg... we're supposed to be having lunch. And what happened to letting things progress gradually?" 

Blair let out a groan. "You're killing me here, Jim. _You're_ the one standing in the way of progress." A spark came into Blair's eyes. He cut off Jim's response. "Okay, we'll do lunch; but we're eating in the living room, and I am going to demonstrate the merits of letting things progress _naturally_." 

Jim just shook his head as he made his way to the couch. Blair walked over to where Jim sat with a tray laden with assorted foodstuffs. 

"This is getting to be a habit, Chief. We do have a table, you know." 

Blair ignored him as he set the tray down on the coffee table, and took the blanket from the couch. He unfolded it, flapping it open to lay it out on the floor. 

"You know, Sandburg, I wish you would just tell me what's up with this sudden aversion you have to tables and chairs, or a bed for that matter." 

Blair continued to disregard Jim as he tossed down some pillows and sat down on the blanket. He took plates off of the tray and arranged them next to him. Then, he poured a glass of water and put the pitcher and glass back on the tray. Finally, he turned his attention to Jim. 

"Well, are you hungry or what?" 

Jim rolled his eyes and went to lie on his side next to Blair, partially supporting himself on a pillow. His whole body flushed when Blair reached out, holding a morsel of food near his lips. He arched an eyebrow at his partner who just shrugged and popped the piece of food into his own mouth. Then he was back, dangling another bite in front of Jim. This time, Jim eyed the food, mouth opening slightly, enough for his partner to get inside with food and finger, causing Jim's taste buds to quiver with the flavor of vegetable, spices and Blair himself. He chewed, nibbling on the finger in the process, then he swallowed, sucking on the finger until he heard a moan that nearly undid him. 

Blair slowly withdrew his moistened forefinger to pick up more little samples to feed his partner. Jim reached out to pick up his own offerings, aching to have Blair suckle on his fingers. They fed each other, wallowing in the sensations. Jim leaned over to pick up the glass of water, holding it out to Blair to sip. A needy little groan escaped him when his partner's full lips captured his thumb as he wiped away a stray drop. The action was full of the promise of things to come. 

The only sounds in the loft were those of breathing and sighing and hearts beating. To Jim, it was the most beautiful song in the world. 

He pushed the dishes to the side and pulled Blair on top of him, kissing him hungrily. Their hands were on each other, groping and rubbing, hard bodies humping. Blair eased over to give himself room to fumble with Jim's pants. Then suddenly, Jim felt a firm, bare hand on his hardened flesh. They both froze, and neither one could tell who whimpered the loudest. Their hearts were beating frantically in sync, and then Blair moved. He stroked Jim's dick firmly, rubbing the head, teasing it with the moisture he found there, going lower to palm Jim's balls and roll them in their sacs, squeezing them gently. His fingers massaged and nudged at the sensitive skin as they moved even lower, caressing Jim's cleft with his fingertips. Their mouths were melted together in a kiss, or as close to a kiss as they could make it considering how hard they were breathing. The fragrant bouquet of their combined arousal filled Jim's head, pushing him closer to the edge. He was clutching the blanket in clenched fists, struggling to hold on, and then he came, his orgasm pulled from him by Blair's insistent hands. His spent seed caught in his lover's cupped palm. Painful pleasure shot through him as Blair massaged the cream into his now sensitive organ, causing him to tremble, his breath escaping him in one slow exhale. He slowly opened his eyes and let go of the blanket, and heard a soft whisper next to his ear. 

"So, have I convinced you to let things progress naturally?" 

Jim took another deep breath. "Almost." 

"Almost? Damn, I must be losing my touch." 

"Trust me, Chief. You _definitely_ have not lost your touch." 

Blair lifted his sticky hand to Jim's mouth, tracing along his lower lip. A rush went through him as Jim's tongue flicked out and licked tentatively at one finger before drawing it in, tasting himself. 

Jim rolled over on his side to face his lover. As he looked into Blair's eyes, he wondered how he had managed to look at him every day without seeing the love he saw there now. He reached under the thick sweatshirt and forged a path with his fingertip across the furry chest, enjoying the textures of hair and hard nipple; then down the middle towards the belly button, teasing him softly to feel his stomach quiver, maintaining eye contact as he slipped his hand inside Blair's sweatpants, going for the hard cock he knew he would find there. His hand stopped when he felt the soft flesh and the thick, creamy juices, realizing that the younger man had already climaxed. 

Blair grinned. "I told you that you make me hot." 

Blair pulled Jim's hand from his pants and licked the fingers, taking back his taste as Jim had done for himself moments ago. He got up and went to the bathroom, returning with a wet washcloth and a towel. Kneeling down, he cleaned Jim up before tucking his cock back inside his pants and zipping him up. 

"Time to get ready to head back, big guy. I'll pack something for you to eat tonight." 

Jim lay there, watching his lover gather up the dishes, putter around in the kitchen and come back with a packed insulated bag. Blair held out his hand and helped Jim to his feet, then reached up, taking a kiss. 

"You okay, Jim?" 

"Yeah." Jim's voice was shaky, hell his _legs_ were shaky, too. "That was just..." 

"Yeah, it was. And to think we're still _progressing_." 

Jim chuckled. "I better go while I still can. See you later. I'll be late, so don't worry about waiting up - but, _please_ just don't be on that damn couch." He kissed Blair's forehead, then pulled him closer, cupping the ass enclosed in soft cotton and getting a real goodbye kiss. He laughed as he broke it off. 

"You better clean up. You made a mess, you know." 

Blair looked around at the disarray. "It'll be spotless before you get home." 

"Not exactly what I meant," Jim replied, dragging his fingers along Blair's crotch. He laughed again as he grabbed his jacket and opened the door to the apartment. 

Blair spoke up. "I'm headed for the shower, but I may just jerk off in there remembering how it felt to cum just by making you cum." He closed the door behind Jim. 

Jim was hard before he hit the street. This time he repeated Miranda warnings in his head until his desire subsided. 

* * *

Another quiet holiday night for the Cascade PD. 'The crooks must be saving up for a hell of a New Year,' Jim thought. He diligently trudged through more busy work. Some guys were playing cards in the breakroom. Jim was just counting the minutes until he could go home to Blair. His cell phone rang just as he was leaving. 

"Ellison, here." 

"Merry Christmas." 

"Same to you. How are you?" 

"Lonely. I decided to wait up." 

"So I see. You're going to be beat tomorrow. It's going to be kind of a full day." 

"Yeah, well so are you." 

"But I plan on sleeping in. _I_ don't have a lot of cooking to do." 

"Well, I'm almost done with that. Just a few last minute things, for the guys at the station." 

"What about Naomi? When does she get in?" 

"She doesn't." 

"What!? What are you talking about?" 

"Well, I kinda of asked her not to come right now. I explained about everything and told her that we sorta needed the time to ourselves. But, I owe her my spring break, and I have to trek to wherever she is at the time. I hope it won't be someplace too out of the way." 

"Blair, you didn't have to do that. I don't have a problem with Naomi." 

"I know, I just wanted this time with you." 

"Well then, what are you going to do about Simon?" 

"Simon is working tomorrow. Don't you guys talk? Somebody got sick, and since Darryl's not with him, he took on Christmas duty. He'll have to enjoy my meal with the other guys. So, that just leaves you and me." 

"Does _Alec_ know he's uninvited?" 

"Oh shit! I forgot about Alec! I guess that's you, me and Alec makes three." 

Blair laughed when he got no response from Jim. He heard a car door slam. Jim must have just made it to his truck. "Okay, big guy, you can breathe now. Alec is not coming to dinner." 

"Very funny, Sandburg." 

"I thought so. But seriously, I want to spend the day with just you. In fact I can't wait till you get home tonight." 

"I'm on my way." 

"You know, Jim, I still don't see the point in waiting. I mean, if you think about it, we've spent the last three years getting to know each other, building trust and friendship and love. I mean really it's _almost_ like dating. What could be better than falling in love with your best friend. We already have so much between us, there's no way I could think it's all about sex." 

"Always a theory with you, huh, Sandburg." 

"I just don't get it. I know you want me." Jim could almost hear the leer in Blair's voice. "Is it that you're not quite ready?" Blair's voice was suddenly serious. 

"No, it's just that once you..." 

"Once what?" 

"Nothing, let's talk later." Blair heard the truck engine roar to life. 

"Jim, come on. No secrets, remember?" 

"I just don't want you to..." Jim's voice trailed off and Blair heard a deep sigh. 

"Oh, I get it. This is not about you wanting to reassure _me_ about things, it's about me having to prove something to _you_. What, you think if I get a little something between the sheets, I'll be ready to move on in search of bigger and better things, is that it?" 

Jim's answer was silence. 

"Oh great, I thought we were on the same page, here. I thought we promised to trust in each other. I can't believe that you don't have any faith in me at all." 

"Chief, it's not like that." 

"No Jim, unfortunately, it's _exactly_ like that." 

Jim felt a chill go through him as Blair hung up leaving behind only a dial tone. 

* * *

Snow was still falling when Jim pulled into his parking spot at the loft. Christmas lights were twinkling all around him, making the darkness coming from his apartment all the more noticeable. He reached out to Blair as he climbed the stairs, focusing on the easiest thing, the steady beat of his heart. It was calm, but not the slow rhythm of one who was asleep. He unlocked the door, cataloging all of the signs that something was wrong: the tree lights were unplugged, no fire was lit, no music played and his heart sank further when he realized that his Guide's heart beat from behind the closed doors to his room, rather than from upstairs. 

Blair lay on his bed, dressed in boxers, with his extra comforter thrown over him. His fingers were laced behind his head as he stared up into the darkness. He wanted to hide, turn to the wall and pretend to be asleep, but what would be the point? Jim could tell he was really awake. He knew Jim had been keeping his senses up the last few days, and he hadn't asked him not to. In fact, he had welcomed it, knowing it made the older man feel closer to him. Right now he resented that. He didn't know what would be better: to have to talk to Jim now or to be left alone. The more he thought about it, the more he felt neither option would make him feel any better. 

He heard Jim's footsteps stop outside his door, and he wished for once that _he_ were the Sentinel so that he could gauge a heartbeat or breathing patterns. But, he didn't need heightened senses to figure out that Jim was bracing himself for a confrontation. 

Jim stood outside Blair's door, hesitating. He started to knock, changed his mind, and opened the door to stand just inside the doorway. 

"Blair." 

Blair turned in Jim's direction. He couldn't make out Jim's features, couldn't see the expression on his face, and Jim's voice had given nothing away. Blair was afraid his voice would give too much away, so he remained silent. 

"I'm sorry," Jim said. "I don't know how to make you understand exactly what I'm feeling." 

"No, Jim. I'm sorry. I know I don't have the greatest track record. I don't know the first thing about being in a committed relationship. I know you probably need time to see that I'm for real. It just hurt a little to have to face the fact that you doubt me. But, you'll see. I've _never_ felt this way. _Ever_. I'm not going to screw it up. I promise. Please just try to believe me, have a little faith in me." 

Jim walked over and knelt beside the bed. He leaned closer and kissed Blair on the lips, placing one hand over Blair's heart, drawing solace from the beat. It had sped up during his little speech, but calmed under Jim's touch. 

"I love you, Blair. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, but you have the tendency to jump to conclusions. Your mind is always working, looking for answers, spitting out assumption after assumption. They are not always right you know." 

He placed a finger against Blair's lips when he saw that he was gearing up to comment. "I'm not as quick or easy with words as you. You need to give me time to muddle my way through my thought process enough to come up with a way to say what I want to say. Can you do that?" 

Blair nodded. He turned on his side, grabbing Jim's hand. 

"Maybe waiting to make love _is_ more about reassuring _me_ than you, but not because of your quote-unquote track record." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Blair...I'm more worried about _me_ screwing up. Shutting you out and trying to deal with things myself in my usual way. I'm trying hard not to do that. I'm trying not to close myself off, but you're making it difficult for me. You keep cutting me off and putting words in my mouth. Chief, maybe I just needed some time to get used to the fact that there's an _us_. You're right about us building something over the past 3 years, but I never thought it was something that would take this kind of turn. It seems so fast to me. I have to have space to deal with it, and I don't want you to feel like I'm pushing you away. Slowing things down seemed like the answer." 

"You didn't say that before." 

"Chief, I just knew how I felt. I hadn't processed all the reasons _why_ I felt that way. I told you I was slow." 

"Are you sure that you don't have a problem with getting seriously involved with a man again?" 

Jim knew Blair was thinking about Chase. "Honestly, I don't have a problem with that." 

Sure enough, Blair confirmed Jim's concern. "But I'm not like Chase, you know. And what about working together, and telling people about us, and there are some things about sex we should talk about before we do make love." 

"Whoa, Chief, there's your mind working again. And you've proven my point. We need to take it slow and give ourselves time to get used to having this commitment before we have to take on so much other stuff." 

"But see, those things don't bother me. I believe that we'll deal with them when we have to, and we'll do it together. Jim, answer this: Is making love to me more significant than being in love with me?" 

"Of course not! That's what I mean about..." 

Although he had promised himself he wouldn't, Blair cut Jim off again. He had his own point to make here. 

"Then Jim, you've already taken the most important step. You told me that you loved me. Making love is just another way to share that. There's no timetable here. We don't have to have "x" number of dates before we move on to kissing, and so many kisses before we move on to touching, yadda, yadda, yadda. We can do this whatever way works for us. Do you think it would have been better if we had met, gone out a few times, and fallen into bed? The classic dating game? What we have is much more solid. I meant what I said, Jim. We've already taken the most important step. I know that I need to remember that, too. I'm sorry that I've been pressing you. We can make love tomorrow, next week, next month, whenever. I've loved you a long time without making love. The important thing is that we love each other, I wouldn't trade that for anything." 

Blair tugged on Jim until he got up on the small bed next to him. He wrapped his arms around the larger man, placing Jim's head on his chest, willing him to trust that the heartbeat he could feel pulsing against his cheek was full of Blair's love for him. Love blossomed anew in Jim's soul, growing in time to his Guide's internal rhythm, blocking out the concerns he had, the issues Blair had raised and concentrating on strengthening the connection with his partner. 

"It hurt me to my heart when I realized you weren't upstairs." Jim's voice was soft. 

"I'm sorry. At first I was mad, then I thought that you wouldn't want me there, and even if you did, I didn't trust myself to keep my hands off of you." He kissed the top of Jim's head. "I'm shameless, you know." 

"So, will you come up with me now?" 

"Maybe we should sleep in separate beds for a little while longer." 

"No." To Blair, Jim sounded like he was pouting. 

"What a baby, like you've never slept alone before." 

"So, you mean that if you can't have sex, you won't sleep in the same bed with me?" 

"No, of course not. I just don't want you to feel any pressure." He took a deep breath, letting it out noisily. "And I want to make love _so bad_." 

Jim chuckled, "Yeah, no pressure there." 

He could feel the heat as the blush hit Blair's cheeks. "I didn't... that's not..." 

Jim laughed, sitting up and pulling Blair up with him. "I have an idea, Chief." 

He stood and held open his arms. Blair rose to step into them. Jim kissed him, trying to pour all the love he felt into it. Then he took Blair's hand, leading him from the room. 

"Let's go make love." 

He turned back as Blair resisted. 

"Don't do this, Jim. It's okay. We can wait as long as you want. I'll come up if you want, but we don't have to do anything." 

"Sandburg, you convinced me. Now, let's go celebrate your victory." 

He pulled on Blair again, again meeting resistance. 

"Blair, listen, you were right. We already took the most important step. I want this, I do. I _need_ to be able to express what I feel for you in this way. I don't want you to ever feel you have to hold anything back from me. Not _anything_. Now, I've had enough talking tonight. So, are you going to come quietly or do I have to throw you over my shoulder and carry you up?" 

Blair rushed to him, squeezing him in a tight hug, more than willing. Jim scooped him up and carried him anyway. 

And later when Jim had his way with him, Blair did _not_ come quietly. Not the first time, not the second, and not the third. 

Jim carried Blair up to the bedroom, thankful for his Sentinel abilities as he maneuvered through the dark apartment, kissing Blair all the while. At the top of the stairs he stopped and just stood looking around. 

"You can put me down now, big guy." 

"What's all this, Sandburg?" 

"What?" Blair looked around, not registering anything in the darkness. Then it came back to him- the arrangements he had made for Jim's homecoming, before the angry phone call. "Oh, well..." 

Jim set Blair down on the bed and moved about the room. There were Christmas lights strung up all around. Jim found the cord and plugged them in. Scented candles were on the nightstand - evergreen. He looked at Blair, chuckling as he shook his head, and picked up the matches and lit them. 

"You said not to be down on the couch, and this was a lot easier than dragging that damn tree up here." 

"So what was the purpose of this little setup?" 

"Well someone said that they had been thinking about me naked in bed, and I decided I could get with that. Fuel the fantasies as it were." 

"I see." Jim did see. He felt the pain of realizing that he had spoiled Blair's plans. Could see him hurt and angry, unplugging the lights, blowing out candles, retreating back to his old bed. 

"Hey, I know I was pushing it, but I told you I was shameless. And it wasn't like I was going to throw myself at you or anything. Just lay in bed and wait for you." He had a sweet smile on his face. 

Jim smiled back. "Sandburg, you've never just laid and waited for anything in your life. Not only are you shameless, you're pushy." 

"I was willing to wait for you." 

Blair's voice was a soft whisper that lit a fire inside Jim. He went to kneel in front of where Blair still sat on the bed, and looked into the face of the man he loved. His beautiful Guide - love clearly displayed there in the flickering lights. Jim was blown away; the love inside him was like a physical force. He was in love, and damn, it felt great. He reached up to Blair's hips and pulled on the waistband of the boxers Blair wore. 

Blair wasn't sure he would be able to take another breath. Jim Ellison loved _him_. He couldn't miss the love reflected in Jim's face and it made his heart do flip-flops. It was a rare thing for the reserved, older man to show his emotions so openly and Blair cherished it. Then, Jim started undressing him and his breath caught. It came out in a rush as he felt his boxers slip down his hips, snag briefly on his cock, then slide down his legs to pool at his ankles. He kicked them aside hastily. 

Jim was rock hard, straining painfully inside his pants. He maintained eye contact, trying to hold on to at least a little control, knowing that if he looked anywhere else, things would get out of hand - fast. Blair's breathing was slow and deep, but Jim could hear his heart racing. 

Blair felt extraordinary. Exposed, open, and oh, so ready. His plan had been to slowly seduce his partner, sweetly convincing him that it would be okay for them to make love. But he couldn't even move, could barely breathe, anticipating Jim looking down to see how ready he was. His nipples hard, his cock harder. Then, Jim touched him, and he couldn't stop himself from crying out. 

Jim licked the side of Blair's neck and Blair whimpered. He kissed and sucked his way down to the hair-covered chest and there were more whimpers. Keeping his eyes closed, he concentrated on taste and touch, lapping Blair's nipples with the full expanse of his tongue, thrilling when they peaked more, and the younger man moaned. Then, he bit them gently, sucking them, one to the other, tugging on the ring through one nipple with his teeth, until his lover groaned loudly. Jim stopped, and moved back enough to finally let his eyes get their fill. 

Blair's head was tilted back slightly, his lips parted as he made soft, needy noises. His chest was heaving; nipples thrust forward, the hair around them slick from Jim's attention. His stomach was tight, his legs spread, cock bobbing against his abs, leaving sticky pearls in its wake. 

The sight of him made Jim's mouth water. He reached out and traced the path his mouth had taken, listening to whimpers that gave way to harsh breaths when his fingers started to pinch the hard nubs on Blair's chest. And when Jim tugged and twisted on the nipple ring, he heard his name on the heels of those ragged breaths. It was sweet torture for them both. He grabbed Blair's hard-on with one hand, the other going for the tightening balls. He was electrified by the sight and sound of Blair's response to him, almost high off of the scent of arousal in the air. Then he began a slow pump with one fist, squeezing carefully with the other. 

This time it was Blair clutching the blanket beneath him in clenched fists, his face screwed up in agonized pleasure. 

"Jim...I can't hold it... please...please..." 

"Don't hold it, baby. You look incredible. Let me see you cum." 

"Jim.... Jiiiiiimm... no, too soon. Wanna wait...for you. Ooooohh." 

"We have all night. Cum for me, babe. Now." 

Jim stroked faster, massaging the tightening balls, feeling the changes as his lover got ready to climax. He was fascinated by the feel of Blair's sperm as it rushed to make its escape. 

"Jim, baby, I'm cummin'. Jim... oh shit, Jim....JIIIIMMM!" 

It was awesome. Jim felt the first spasm and saw pearly cream rise and form an arc to land in the vicinity of Blair's nipple ring. Then spasm after spasm, leaving a trail from chest to belly button and coating Jim's hand. The smell of it filled him. Truly spectacular. 

"Jim...Jim...." 

Jim tore his focus away from the physical remains of Blair's climax. 

"You almost zoned on me, man." Blair pried Jim's hand away from his softening cock. 

"Sorry. That was unbelievable." 

"Hey, that was supposed to be my line." Blair ran a finger through the puddle on his belly and grinned. "Messy." He pushed lightly at Jim and carefully got up. He bent to pick up the boxers he had kicked aside earlier. 

Jim didn't think he could get any harder, but when he caught sight of Blair's naked ass, he was surprised he hadn't drilled a hole straight through his pants. 

Blair turned and wiped the semen from Jim's hand, then wiped himself up before tossing the used boxers back on the floor. 

"Hey, no fair. You're still dressed." He eyed Jim's crotch. "And still..." 

Reaching down, Blair palmed Jim between the legs, following the outline of the hardness there, as he gave his lover a passionate, wet kiss. Jim groaned deep in his throat, and Blair felt the pulses as Jim quickly came beneath his hand. 

"Damn, I was saving that," Jim panted. 

"We have all night, remember." He turned away, calling out over his shoulder, "Unless you think you're too old..." He barely escaped a swat on his ass as he ran down the stairs. 

Jim got to his feet, undressing. 'I may be old, but this night is hardly over.' Not when he felt so sexual...so potent. 'I've _never_ wanted anyone this bad,' he thought, as he gathered up his clothes and Blair's soiled underwear and dropped them into the hamper. Now to go show Blair a thing or two. 

Blair was in the shower, shampooing his hair when Jim stepped into the bathroom. Even the scent of Blair's shampoo gave him a rush. He pictured Blair standing under the spray, head tilted back to rinse the lather, throat exposed, chest pushed out, the hair there slicked down under the running of the water, cock and balls swinging freely between those thighs.... 

"Are you planning on joining me, or what?" 

Jim started as he focused and saw Blair peeking at him from behind the shower curtain. Wet hair running back from his face, sexy smile in place. 

"Were you starting to zone again, man?" 

"Uh, no. Just...daydreaming." 

Blair wiggled his eyebrows. "No need to dream, big guy." He pulled the shower curtain open, unmindful of the water hitting the bathroom floor. "Come in here, and make sure you bring _that_ thing with you." 

Jim looked down, saw the object of Blair's attention, and blushed. 

"Man, you are great for my ego. Big, bad James Ellison, blushing." He laughed. "And to think I could make him lose control enough to make a sticky mess in his clothes. Man, that's..." Blair's eyes widened as Jim closed the distance between them with a menacing expression on his face. 

"You are awfully cocky tonight, Sandburg." Rolling his eyes when Blair laughed at his unintentional pun. He got into the shower, closing the curtain behind him. He advanced on Blair. "You get a kick out of making this old man lose control, huh?" 

"Well, yeah." Blair frowned when his voice came out squeaky. Chest getting tight at the thought of Jim _totally_ out of control. Could he actually handle _that_? 

"I seem to remember a certain little professor making these cute little noises and then screaming my name." He backed Blair up against the wall of the shower, one hand on either side of his head, glaring down into his eyes. 

"Yeah, but I'm always vocal." Damn, why couldn't he get that squeak out of his voice? "Now, if you could make me shut up, then that would probably be equivalent to..." 

Jim kissed him. Fueled by all the passion inside him, he kissed the breath out of Blair. Then he turned away, leaving Blair leaning against the wet tile, panting and flushed. He grabbed the soap and his washcloth and glanced over his shoulder, noting that Blair hadn't moved. 

"You mean like that?" 

Jim grinned when all he got in answer was the sound of Blair trying to catch his breath. 

He kept his back to Blair as he soaped up his cloth and started to wash. Soon he felt his partner come up behind him, rubbing a hand over one of his soapy ass cheeks, then doing the same to the other. Jim trembled slightly when he felt a wet finger slide into the valley between his cheeks, skim teasingly over his hole, then move lower to tickle his balls at the spot where suds dripped off into the tub. Then Blair's arms were around him, his whole body up against him and once again Jim found himself fighting for control. 

He turned in his lover's arms, then turned them both around and stepped away. He soaped up his cloth again and washed Blair's body, not stopping at the parts that intrigued him the most, but just lovingly cleaning his partner. It touched Blair's heart, and he took the cloth to return the favor. 

"Chief, I'm already clean." 

Blair ignored him and continued his ministrations. Before they could rinse off, Jim took Blair in his arms and reached down to cup the cheeks of the young man's ass. He pulled him closer, then lifted him up. Blair responded automatically, wrapping his arms around Jim's neck and his legs around the trim waist. Jim maneuvered them until Blair's back was again against tile. Their hungry mouths met, and the kiss that followed took control. Their slick bodies were rubbing together; creating sweet friction that was hotter than the steam from the shower. Their nipples rubbed together and Jim thought he would explode as his slid through the hair on Blair's chest. It was ecstasy when their slippery erections thrust against each other and even Blair could feel the pumping as Jim climaxed, pushing him to his own release. 

Blair let out a loud cry, drowning out Jim, who gasped and grunted, the sounds echoing off of the tile. Then both men slid down, letting the warm water wash over them as they whispered "I love you" to each other. 

* * *

The cooling water roused the two as they collected themselves. Blair's subtle shivering motivated Jim to turn off the water and pull Blair from the shower. The bathroom still held some warmth, but Jim knew that the rest of the apartment would be colder. He dried Blair off vigorously, then quickly dried himself, grabbing the heavy robe that his partner constantly wore at this time of year and tossed it to him, then wrapped a towel around himself, before pulling the bundled form of his lover into his arms. 

"You smell good, you _feel_ good." 

"Mmmmmm," Blair murmured contentedly, then pulled himself away. "Go warm the bed up for me. I have to do something with my hair. Left to its own devices and _your_ constant attention, and I'll have hell to pay in the morning." 

Jim reached out and ran his fingers through the damp curls. "Have I ever told you how much I love your hair?" The strands seemed to grasp at Jim's fingers, creating a vibration clear to his shoulder. 

Blair took in the dazed look on Jim's face and replied, "Well, it had crossed my mind to cut it, you know, just for a change of pace. But then again, I've always heard that _blonds_ have more fun." 

Jim wound his fingers around the tendrils still clinging to them and tugged gently. "Don't...you...dare!" 

"Ow, I was just kidding. Let it go so I can dry it. You have an important job to do: warm the bed, warm the bed, warm the bed." 

Jim pulled one more time, drawing Blair's face close, dropping a quick peck on Blair's forehead. "Just hurry up." 

Jim heard the blow dryer before he hit the stairs. He dropped his towel in the hamper and got under the covers, breathing in the scents in the room, lingering on the mingled aroma labeled "Jim and Blair". He wondered if he would ever be able to smell an evergreen tree again without feeling a tingle go through him, taking him back to that first kiss.... As he drifted off, his mind was filled with the most pleasant of thoughts. 

Blair padded up the stairs and stopped to stare at the magnificent man waiting for him. Jim was lying on his right side, left arm and leg thrown over the extra pillows lying next to him as if saving the space. 'My place,' Blair thought. 'Next to Jim.' His mind almost latching on to the word "forever". He dropped his robe and slid under the covers, claiming his spot, lifting his lover's arm and laying it back across his chest, slipping beneath one heavy leg so that it lay across his thigh. 

Blair was almost asleep when he heard a low rumble next to his ear. 

"Trying to fall asleep on me, babe?" Jim drew Blair in closer, enveloping him in sweet warmth. 

"You fell asleep first," Blair whispered sleepily. 

"Not sleeping...just resting, waiting...recovering." 

Blair felt a tremor go through his whole body at the sound of Jim's low, sexy laugh. He snuggled closer and whispered against warm, bare skin. "I hate to tell you this, big guy, but you were _snoring_." 

"Smartass. I don't snore." He pinched Blair lightly on the rear. 

Blair yelped and squirmed inside Jim's arms. "Then an evil ventriloquist is hiding in here throwing his voice, because it sure sounded like you were snoring." 

Blair found himself pulled up to lay full length on top of Jim. 

"Okay Sandburg, you win. I'm old, you wore me out, I couldn't take it. Feel better?" 

"I told you before, big guy, you're in your prime." He lay his cheek next to Jim's, rubbing softly, prickling Jim's sense of touch with his stubbled jaw. "Besides you have been up for almost 24 hours. And we _have_ had an eventful past few days." He laughed softly. "You know, I am going to have the most wonderful memories associated with Christmas trees." 

Jim took Blair's mouth in a kiss. Happiness flowed through him with the knowledge that Blair's thoughts so closely matched his own. He was so grateful for this man. So amazed that they could be together like this. That for all their conflicts, all their differences, they had still followed a path that led them here. He never wanted to let him go. 

Rolling them over so that he could lay on top of Blair, he looked down into his partner's eyes. Blair heard the tightness in Jim's voice and saw the seriousness of his gaze in the flickering lights. 

"Are you sure the age thing doesn't bother you?" 

Blair made a mental note to _never_ refer to Jim as old _again_. He extended a finger and smoothed the furrow in the older man's brow. "Jim, it doesn't bother me. Does it bother you?" 

"I try not to think about it. When I do, it bothers me a little. I'm almost twelve years older than you are. When I was driving my first clunker around, you were still playing in the sandbox." His voice lowered so that Blair had to concentrate to hear the words. "When I fell in love for the first time, you were still in elementary school." 

Blair felt the now familiar chill that was associated with the thought of Chase. He shivered and forcibly pushed the anxiety from his mind. He would _not_ let it take shape, especially not while he lay in this bed with the man he loved, the man that he knew loved him back. He moved Jim to the side; turning to face him, his head propped up on his hand, placing his other hand on Jim's chest, resting it above Jim's heart, wishing again that he could detect the nuances. 

"Are you worried about being saddled with an immature kid?" 

Jim made a mental note to _never_ call Blair a kid _again_. "More worried about saddling you with a cynical old cop." 

Blair didn't respond to the humor in Jim's voice. He took one of Jim's hands and squeezed it tightly. "Jim look at me." He didn't continue until Jim's eyes met his. "This is _our_ time. The time we were meant to be together. No number of stops and starts can change that. Or even fears, or jealousies, or anger. The past three years we have dealt with them and stayed together despite it all. We make a damn good team. Partners." His mind flitted briefly over the fact that once that had not seemed to be enough, and now it seemed to be everything. "The past few days we have had to deal with more and here we are. Naked in bed, together." He kissed Jim's hand. " _This is our time_ ," he repeated. "There's no other time in your life where I would have fit. _This_ is the right time. It transcends age, transcends attitudes. It's love, Jim. You're not too old for that, and I'm not too young." 

Jim didn't speak. He just kept looking into Blair's eyes, hoping that all the love he felt was showing on his face. When he finally blinked, a single tear fell from the corner of each eye. Blair followed the path of the tears as they fell, then leaned forward to lick the salty trails with the tip of his tongue. Jim still couldn't speak, but his soul soaked up the sound when Blair whispered, "I love you." 

'My life,' Jim thought, 'would surely end, if this man were ever to leave me. How could I ever go back to that drab existence, and live with the memories of such light?' 

Jim released himself from Blair's grasp. He rose naked to prowl the room. He unplugged the lights, blew out the candles. He swallowed, trying to clear the lump in his throat. In the darkness, he finally spoke. 

"Chief...I love you more than my own life, and that scares me. Not that I love you that much, but what I would do without you. I work a dangerous job, and I pull you down in it with me. I'd do anything to keep you safe and happy. I'm afraid that I can't do both. Keeping you safe may mean keeping you away from me." 

"But that wouldn't make me happy, or you either. We've been in lots of tight spots, and we've always made it through. You always do your best by me. Don't start trying to overdo - just do your job - like always. And....just let yourself love me. Jim...don't be scared...just don't let me go." 

"I love you." 

"Trust that I'll hold on." 

"I love you." 

"Don't let me go." 

"Hold on." 

And they were in each other's arms again, the connection between them drawing tight until they were smack against each other, standing in the darkness, renewing their bond. Claiming each other with lips, tongues and hands. 

"Chief, I'm up now." 

"I know, but it's late. I'm sure it won't take much for either one of us to fall asleep. I could make you some tea, though." 

Jim growled, tucking Blair tightly against him, rocking his hips. "No, Chief, I mean I'm _up_." 

"Oh..." Blair gasped as awareness hit and his own cock rose up to meet Jim's. 

"Ready to finish what you started?" 

A slow smile spread on Blair's face and he gave the older man a sultry look, stepping away so that he could see the full measure of Jim's arousal. He turned away, knowing Sentinel vision would travel automatically to the curve of his ass. He tried not to shake it as he walked over to the bed, but he knew he was quivering with delicious anticipation. He took a pillow and put it in the middle of the bed, then lay down and positioned the pillow beneath him, knees bent, feet planted widely apart. Reaching over, he opened the drawer of the nightstand, removing several items, glancing over at Jim, knowing the expression that would be on his face even though he couldn't make it out in the dark. 

"Hey, I may not have been an Eagle Scout like you, but I learned long ago the virtue of being prepared." 

Lube, condoms and wipes joined him on the bed. He could see the dark form of Jim's dick swell even larger, and almost whimpered at the idea of taking Jim inside himself. 

Blair cleared his throat. "There are still some things we haven't talked about..." 

"Do you want to do it now?" 

"I don't think I'm in any position for serious conversation, right now." 

"How about whimpers and moans?" 

"C'mere." Blair was thankful for Jim's sensitive hearing. 

Jim stepped closer. "Groans and grunts?" 

"Jim..." 

"You can do better than that." 

Blair almost screamed out in frustration. But instead he spoke quietly, "Make me. Come on, make me scream your name." 

Jim was on Blair in a second, settling between his spread legs. He ran his finger along the inside of Blair's thighs, then kneaded the cheeks of Blair's ass firmly, feeling a sweet, hot rush. 

Jim took a deep breath. "Are you sure?" 

"Well, I figured it had been a long time for you, so you might feel more comfortable if you make love to me the first time. And with condoms and stuff, we could feel okay enough to go ahead even though we hadn't discussed it. We should really talk tomorrow though." 

"We will." 

Blair ran a finger down Jim's middle and scraped lightly at the head of his hard-on. Jim almost came on the spot, had to actually grab himself tightly to stave off the coming explosion. His dick felt fuller, fatter and heavier than he could ever remember, throbbing merely at the thought of entering the tight heat of his partner. He picked up the tube of lubrication, pushing on Blair's thighs, until the younger man was spread wide, knees to chest. Slicking up two fingers, he teased the puckered opening between his lover's cheeks. It pulsed at his touch and he bent lower, taking in the scent, lapping at the furry balls, sucking each one in turn. When he inserted the tip of one finger, he felt Blair tense. 

"Relax, babe. I'll take it slow. I won't hurt you. Relax, and get ready for me. It's just my finger, take it in, babe." 

Jim could feel the tension leave the smaller man's body, and his finger easily slipped all the way in, causing a slow fire to creep all the way up his hand. Blair made incoherent noises as Jim began to push in and pull out. He added the second finger, stretching his lover's passage a little more, increasing the tempo. Blair's noises became little "Oh's" in time to the pumping once Jim angled his thrusts to hit the gland hidden inside the slick channel. And when he removed his fingers, the young man gave a low moan. 

"Jim, I'm ready. Please...please.." 

"Almost, babe." He lubed up again, using three fingers to prepare the way. Blair grabbed himself, frantically searching for release. Jim took his hand away, pressing a condom packet into it. 

"Blair, here, do this." 

Blair took a few seconds searching for calm, then tore open the packet, reached down and placed it on Jim's solid length. When Jim handed him the lube, he greased Jim's erection generously. 

More ready than he had ever been, Jim positioned himself at Blair's opening. 

"I'm gonna take it slow, baby. I want this to last." 

He pushed the head in and then stilled, waiting for Blair to indicate that it was okay. Blair let out a shrill cry at the penetration, then moaned as the initial pain gave way to heated pleasure, causing him to put his hands behind his knees, spreading himself as open as he could. Taking that as a sign, Jim gradually pushed his hips forward, and Blair's muscles grasped him tightly. Jim took deep breaths, willing himself not to lose control and just slam home. 

"Oh, baby, you feel so good around me. So sweet, so hot." 

He pushed in further until his balls slapped gently against Blair's bare skin. He started a steady in and out motion, slowly, finally where he had longed to be, trembling with the thrill of it all when Blair rocked his hips back and forth to meet him. They moved in a sexual dance to the music of their grunts and groans. Jim felt the pleasure start to overtake him. He latched on to his lover's cock, wanting to share the moment of release, bringing him to the edge and pushing him over, finally losing control himself when Blair shouted out. Thick, creamy ropes of cum spewed onto Blair's stomach, the muscles in his ass milking Jim inside the condom. Jim made babbling noises, trying to call out his lover's name as he spasmed over and over, feeling quite sure that his balls had run dry forevermore. He lowered Blair's legs, letting his cock slip free, then lowered himself to lay on top of him, binding them together with the sticky evidence of their lovemaking. 

"Wow, Jim..." 

"Yeah, wow, Chief." 

"Love you, Jim...so much." 

Jim got up carefully and cleaned them both, whispering, "I know, just don't forget how much I love you, too." He tossed the used wipes and condom in the trash and drew Blair to him under the covers. 

"Merry Christmas, Jim." 

"Happy Holidays, babe." 

* * *

It was afternoon before the new lovers came fully awake. Each one had stirred earlier during the morning, only to snuggle a little or place a tender kiss before letting sleep overtake them once again. They dreamed beautiful dreams that still paled in comparison to the wonders of reality. 

Jim fully woke to the smell of coffee. Already registering the fact that his lover's heartbeat was coming from the kitchen, he grabbed a pair of sweats and went to join him. 

Blair felt a hand grope his ass as he bent to take another pie from the oven. The heat from the oven had nothing on the heat that Jim Ellison made him feel. He set down the pie and turned to face his love. 

"Morning. I missed you." 

"Afternoon. I had to finish with the pies. If you just slice up the turkeys for me, the food will be ready to take down to the station." 

"Okay, I'll go shower and be right back." 

"Well... I thought maybe you'd drink a cup of coffee, eat a little something, help me finish in here, open our gifts, and then... shower together?" 

"Convince me." 

Blair slipped a hand inside Jim's sweatpants, placing the other behind his head to lower it for a kiss. A long, sweet, hormone-stirring kiss. Jim opened Blair's robe to find him deliciously naked underneath. He moved his mouth to an ear, the sensations of the rings on his tongue bringing back hot memories of another place he had licked. He went lower, loving the feel of Blair stretching in his arms, and applied pressure with teeth and tongue until he could feel the heat of blood rushing to the surface and knew he had left his mark. 

"If you actually want me to do any of the things on your list, we better stop now." 

Blair shook as he belted his robe. He turned to pour Jim a cup of coffee, handing it to him with a trembling hand. 

"You are..." Blair couldn't even find words adequate enough. 

"So are you." He took the cup, kissed the mark on Blair's neck, then went to sit at the table. 

Blair brought over plates with a sandwich and a piece of pie for each of them. He sat down, staring at Jim with a contented smile on his face, watching him eat. Jim looked up, plate empty, stomach fluttering at Blair's gaze. 

"More?" 

"Definitely." He leaned over the table and took Blair's face in his hands, kissing him deeply. 

Blair choked around the joy bubbling inside him when the kiss ended. "I meant more food." 

"Oh, I guess I was hungry, huh." 

"Well, you had a strenuous night. Here, have mine." He slid his plate across to Jim. 

"Not hungry, Chief?" 

"I've been nibbling." 

Jim flushed at the idea of Blair nibbling. He shook himself and finished the second plate of food. Rising from the table, he said, "So let's make quick work of kitchen duty, because I am ready to get you back in that shower. 

"Jim...." Blair clamped his thighs together, trying to keep his cock from poking up through the folds of his robe. "Get serious, now. We are already running late since we slept in." 

"Oh, I'm serious, Sandburg. Want me to show you how serious I am?" 

Blair jumped up and escaped to the kitchen, busying himself with organizing all of the food they would be taking to the guys. Jim went in and started cutting up the meat, putting it into the containers that were arranged on the counter. Blair relaxed, enjoying the feeling of working with Jim in this way, side by side. They didn't speak, didn't touch, just worked quietly, comfortably aware of each other, of the wonderful change in the air around them. 

When everything was packed up and ready to go, Jim turned to Blair, wiggling his eyebrows, pulling on Blair's arm. "Now on to that shower." 

"I want to open my gift." 

"What makes you think that Santa left anything for you?" 

Blair rolled his eyes. "Jim, I saw the gift you left there, next to the one I got you. Plus, Naomi sent me something and there's a box there from the squad. Let's open gifts, now." 

Jim put a shocked look on his face. "Blair Sandburg, how can you allow yourself to be drawn into this blatant display of commercialism?" 

"Hey, I _like_ getting presents. I can just keep yours, though." 

"Over my dead body, Sandburg." 

Blair laughed and bounced over to the tree. He picked up the big box that said it was from Jim, ripping the paper off in his eagerness to get inside. He tore through all of the tissue paper and pulled out two coats. He turned to Jim in amazement. 

"Jim...this is too much." 

"Well, that blue one I saw in a catalog. With the Gore-Tex and the insulation and hood and all the pockets, it seemed to have your name all over it. A guy can only take so much grumbling on a stake-out, you know." 

Blair held up the soft, golden brown suede jacket. 

"That one I saw in a window the other day. He shrugged, "I just thought it would look good on you. I couldn't _not_ buy it." 

Blair put it on, loving the feel of it, the feeling behind it. He went to Jim, hugging him, knowing that Jim would enjoy the mixture of scents. He kissed Jim's jaw. 

"Thanks. I love them both." He kissed Jim again. "And I don't grumble." 

"No, it's more like a constant whining." Jim laughed and ducked as Blair tossed a wad of wrapping paper at him. He leaned over and picked up the package to him from Blair. He shook it. 

"Hey, no fair cheating. Just open it." 

Jim carefully unwrapped the package, ignoring Blair's comment about loosening up, and revealed an authentic Jags jersey, complete with his name on the back and a big number "1". He was flabbergasted. "Oh shit, Chief. This is great!" 

"Glad you like it. It pays to have friends in high places." 

Jim put on his present, his grin matching his lover's. 

They opened the gifts from Naomi next. A mask to add to Blair's collection and a carved wooden figurine of a warrior standing guard for Jim. The note accompanying the figurine said, "Watch over my son. I'm entrusting you with his happiness. Love, Naomi." Jim made a silent promise to make Blair's happiness a lifelong goal. 

Blair picked up the little box from his friends on the force. 

"What do you think it is, Jim? I wasn't expecting anything." 

"Open it, Chief." 

This box, he opened slowly. He lifted out a leather card case. Wen he opened the flap, he was surprised to see a laminated card already inside. It had his picture on it and the official seal of the Cascade Police Department and identified him as a consultant to the department. 

"No more renewals on the observer status. We thought maybe you would be okay with this, though." 

"You knew?! How could you know and not have told me?" 

"That would have spoiled the surprise, Sandburg," Jim said dryly. 

"I love surprises." 

"I know, now let's go take that shower." 

They showered together, Jim getting a surprise when Blair produced a condom from the corner of the shower, handing it to Jim before turning and bracing himself against the wall. Neither one lasted long, but it was no less sweet. 

They dressed quickly, lugging all of the prepared food down to the station, staying only long enough to unload, exchange a few greetings, and give Simon his gift of cigars. They were both anxious to get back home. 

They were both tired when they got back. Jim wouldn't let them even stop at the couch, for fear of falling asleep there. His bed was calling him, and he wanted to be in it with Blair at his side. Once snuggled together, Jim played his fingers through the wavy strands of his lover's hair, allowing the feel of it to soothe him. 

"Chief, you want to talk now?" 

"Talk? I thought we were going to sleep." 

"Well, we were supposed to have that sex talk. And since I plan on having plenty of it, I thought maybe we should go ahead and do that." 

"Okay. Well, I thought that maybe we could both go get tested. I know I told you I was careful, and I'm sure _you_ don't know how to be anything else, but I thought we should start our journey 100% sure of each other. I thought maybe we could not use condoms eventually." 

"Have you ever been tested?" 

"Yeah, I try to get tested on a pretty regular basis." "And you're sure about trusting me enough to totally not use condoms?" 

"I trust you with my life. Can you trust me with yours?" 

"I already do, Chief. I already do." 

"Okay." 

Jim could feel Blair's smile against his chest. "Anything else." 

"Are you going to be okay with me making love to _you_? I don't want you to be uncomfortable." 

"Blair, I'd love for you to make love to me. I'm not hiding from that. I think you're more anxious about it then I am. Just let me know when you're ready. You can have all of me." 

"But..." 

"I trust you not to hurt me, Chief. Trust yourself." 

"Okay." 

"Anything else?" 

"Just thank you." 

"For what?" 

Blair raised up and looked into Jim's face. "For everything. For last night. You came and talked to me, even though I was being a jerk, and let me know how much I meant to you. That was the best gift I've ever gotten. 

"Just remember that when _I'm_ being a jerk." 

"Okay." 

They hugged, arms around each other, savoring the solidity of their love. 

"Chief, there is one more thing..." 

"What?" 

Jim leaned over and picked up a little box from beneath his side of the bed, holding it in front of Blair. Blair jumped up. 

"What is it?" 

"You have to open it, Sandburg." 

Blair opened the box and fingered the necklace inside. It was a pendant on a leather cord. Dangling from the cord was a panther carved out of a black stone and polished smooth. 

"I got it that day that you first said you loved me. You were mad at me about Alec, but I was hoping one day you would be able to accept it from me knowing that I would love you, no matter what else. I'm hoping today is that day." 

"Now, I don't feel so silly." 

"About what?" 

Blair reached over and picked up a box from under his side of the bed, handing it to Jim. Jim blushed, a smile on his face. "For me?" 

"Yeah, great minds think alike, huh? I did this that same day, hoping that you would one day realize that here is where I belong." 

Jim opened the box and withdrew a key on a beaded chain like those for dogtags. The gold of the key glinted inside the room. Jim picked up the tiny inscription: "Let Destiny be your guide." 

"It's the key to my old place, you know, the warehouse that blew up. One more thing that conspired to bring us to this point. A friend at the university gold plated it and inscribed it for me." 

"You are an extraordinary man." 

"I just love you." 

"Love you too." 

They placed their gifts around each others' necks, their arms back around each other and drifted into peaceful slumber. 

* * *

The next week, Jim was still on an unusual holiday schedule, but Blair tagged along despite the crazy hours and lack of real work. It was a new team of Ellison and Sandburg that faced the world. Outwardly, they seemed the same, but both men knew they were changed. They worked, lived, and especially loved with the knowledge that they both were changed. They were actually amazed that everyone around them couldn't tell, because they each felt it so profoundly. But they were relieved to be able to still have the privacy to enjoy what they had found, uncluttered with the muck from the outside world. And as a New Year started, they cocooned themselves in their happiness, getting high off of the love in the air. 

THE END


End file.
